Friday, January 30, 2015

All's Well That Ends Well...

***SPOILER ALERT***  If you have NOT watched the series finale of Parenthood and still want to...you may want to watch it first and read this blog post later...because I'm gonna talk about it!!!

If you're still here...welcome!  I had the most incredible time last night gathering with about 15 other women and watching the last Parenthood episode ever.  I can't remember ever gathering with people like this to watch a television program any other time in my life, except perhaps a sporting event. Thank you so much to Joanne and Bridget for thinking of it and hosting us all!

It was so refreshing to see other women just as touched as I was by this program and to have the opportunity to share our knowledge of it (Yes, I won a prize!) and support each other through our tears (Yes, there were many!)  I was sorry when the show ended, but also sorry the evening itself ended. There is power in the sharing, I think...we collectively grieved our loss and were able to move forward.  I love that about us as females...we do this emotional honesty thing really well most times!

Friday, January 23, 2015

Joel and Julia...Another Perspective

Hello...it's been a while!  In the past 10 days, I've been dealing with bronchitis, laryngitis, and a slight sinus infection.  Add to it a rough bout with Mother Nature this past week and her perimenopausal madness, and I've really had a time of it lately.  I've been coughing, moaning, and generally wishing I had a new body for so long that I don't remember what it's like to feel healthy anymore! But I didn't come here to whine (much!).  I've actually used the "down" time to do some thinking about the meatier issues I'm in the midst of in my journey and I wanted to stay accountable for my moving forward and share them.

A television program that I have loved for many years is ending its run next week.  "Parenthood" on NBC was a quick hit with me because of how it dealt with a couple parenting a child who is on the autism spectrum, something I deal with as a teacher on a daily basis, but have never had the experience of living with 24/7.  (Why that actor has never won an Emmy for his spot-on portrayal of Max Braverman is beyond me...he's SPECTACULAR!  But I digress...)

Another reason I love the show is that over the years, Parenthood has tackled some of the meatier issues in marriage through the lens of the relationships between its main characters.  Camille and Zeek growing apart over time due to lack of shared interests and poor communication was particularly poignant.  Adam and Kristina dealing with serious illness...wow!  Most of the time, I feel they are realistic, rather than always looking for the fairy tale ending.  Sarah and Crosby and their relationships and (now) marriages are just a hot mess...but isn't that how life really is?!?

One of the marriages and its particular set of crises hit close to home for me, though.  Joel and Julia. I know this program is fiction...and I do remind myself of this often so I can keep perspective...but these two have run the gamut of emotional upheaval over the past few seasons, and I can very much identify with that!  It's been a bit cathartic for me to see them work this out, actually.  But it may surprise you to hear that I'm not a real fan of how this story line is ending (the two of them are getting back together after nearly divorcing).  Let me explain by sharing some of my own journey in life and marriage.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

This Teacher Got Schooled Today...

God surely has a sense of humor.  He must, because that's the only reason I can think of why He'd allow a woman who thinks she still has something to say to completely lose her voice for a few days! LOL!  Yup...I have complete laryngitis!  I may have something to say...but I have no way to actually SAY it!  Go figure!

But today, I discovered something thought-provoking and challenging in my move forward this year that I may have easily overlooked had I been in full voice.

Yesterday, I took off work because teachers with no voices to actually teach with are not in high demand these days, and I figured a sick day for me and a substitute teacher for them was a better bet for my kiddos.  But today, I braved it with the little squeak of a voice that I could muster because I know that my kiddos are heading into a big research project with a ton of new and useful skills to learn for their long-term success as students, and I actually am the best one to lead that right now - even with a small voice - not a substitute.  The thing I forgot is that teaching without a voice is HARD!

Monday, January 12, 2015

Call It What It Is...And Then Deal With It!

This won't be surprising to those of you who've known me for a while, but there's something I want. I want it badly. And I've been working toward it for a long time, without yet having the breakthrough and success I'm looking for.

I want to be a published author.

And today, I've decided what's holding me back, keeping me writing but saving to the massive quantity of finished pieces of work on my hard drive, rather than submitting them to be published.

I'm scared.

Terrified, really.

Why?  I don't want to be rejected.  These things I write are pieces of my heart...and I don't know if I can take the "Thank you for your submission, but your work is not something our company has an interest in publishing at this time..." letter.

I feel like my move forward today was calling it what it is.  I can't deal with it unless I admit it, right? But how DO I deal with it?


It's actually a much bigger problem for me in my life than I've ever been willing to see before now. There are many other times and decisions in my life where I've also been scared to risk it, but somehow, I've found the courage and put it on the line and went for it. I am always genuinely surprised by situations that work out the way I hoped they would!

I'm naturally a pretty upbeat, positive person when it comes to life - but not so much about myself. When it comes to evaluating myself, I tend to be my own worst critic.  No, I'll never get selected.  My work isn't good enough.  Who would read my novel?  I feed myself these statements ALL THE TIME!

But today, I'm asking myself why?  Why do I always assume that I'm not good enough?  And really - does it matter what I think or not?  If I'm going to be a published author, at some point, it's going to be someone else's judgment of my skill as a writer that matters...not my own, right?

I think overall I need to have a healthier, more balanced view of myself.  I tend to assume in any situation that I'm not enough.  Not smart enough.  Not pretty enough.  Not fit enough.  Not thin enough.  Not strong enough.  Not determined enough.  Just not enough!  

Why is that?  Low self-esteem?  Yes - a life long struggle of mine that I still battle, even though I've made many gains in this area the past few years.  But the more I chew on this in preparation for actually submitting a piece of my writing to a publisher, the more I see it's not just a low self-esteem. It's the fear of failure.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Music Reaches Me...

I've loved music for as long as I can remember.  My first radio was a little AM/FM receiver tucked inside a stuffed cocker spaniel dog.  I'd turn on the radio at night and snuggle up and listen to song after song laying in my bed, memorizing lyrics and falling asleep to 70's rock tunes from my favorite radio station.  I'm not sure how many 9-volt batteries I wore out with that little puppy...

My first concert was an amazing experience - for many reasons! It was here I first discovered that hearing music live is possibly one of the most incredible things you can do in life.  I don't care how good recording technology gets, hearing Journey and their (former) lead singer, Steve Perry, sing "Open Arms" live will trump it every time!  (I'm certain he was singing straight to me...it was my 16th birthday, after all!) 

Whatever I'm facing in life, there's a song that can tell my story.  There's not really a genre that I can say I don't listen to from time to time, but contemporary Christian music is probably what feeds my soul more than just about any other right now on my journey. And I came across this song the other day when my iTunes were on shuffle.

"Can anybody hear me?  
The silence is deafening.  
Why do You feel so far away 
When I know You're here with me
But I just need the faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love..."




Saturday, January 3, 2015

Have the Conversations that Need to Be Had...

Today, I had the absolute joy and privilege of being taken to breakfast by a dear, dear friend.  We've only known each other well for a few years, but "Sis" is how we refer to each other, and it's very accurate because we truly are family - the kind that you choose for yourself, not the kind you're born into.

As we sat by a warm fire and enjoyed each other's company, catching each other up on the little things, the conversation eventually took a God-ordained turn and veered into deeper, bigger things. How are you really?  What's God doing in your life?  Those kinds of things...the very things this blog is about, actually.

Friday, January 2, 2015

The Audacity of Hope...

Audacity.  Shameless boldness.  Daring, with confident or arrogant disregard for conventional wisdom or other restrictions.

I've never really considered hope audacious, but perhaps it truly is.

You see, I'm hoping for some changes this year in my life as I concentrate on moving forward.  I've undertaken the task of examining my life - where I am, what I've accomplished as a wife, mother, daughter, professional, and perhaps more importantly, where I want to go and what I want to do with the time I've got left in this life.  I make no bones any longer about facing midlife head on and asking myself the difficult questions.  I'm generally happy and fairly settled in my life at this point, but there are these nagging unfulfilled goals and dreams that keep eating away at me.  It's time to do actually DO something about them...and it may well take some audacity to get them accomplished.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Moving Forward...

Welcome to 2015, Friends!  And welcome to my new blog!  I am by far not the only person beginning (or in my case continuing) a blogger's journey today, but I'm glad you're taking the time to stop by my neighborhood as you make your rounds.  Thanks!  Short of making new year's resolutions and beginning health improvement campaigns, writing a blog post may be one of the most undertaken tasks of the day today.  I'd be remiss if I bypassed the opportunity to add my voice to the cacophony!

Last year, I tried focusing on one word for the entire year and seeing how that word would play out in my life.  The word for last year was "create".  I spent 2014 looking for ways to express and ignite my creativity and was rewarded with many new creations - new relationships, new skills, new passions, and even new writings.  The novel I wrote is in its final stages...I think...and I'm busy acting, script writing, and doing life with people I have come to love dearly.  A very creative 2014 for sure!

This year, after meditating on it for a good while, I decided that my word of the year will be "forward".  I chose this word as my focus for 2015 because it's a direction that I often neglect. At times, I just roam...aimlessly...without much thought for what comes next.  There are days when that's fun, but there are nights when the lack of focus keeps me awake, wondering what I'm missing...hoping it's nothing vital, but fearing that it is.  So for 2015, my aim is to intentionally move my life forward.  I don't know what that will bring, but I hope that at the end of the year, I'll be able to reflect and discover that 2015 was just as monumental in terms of growth and satisfaction as 2014 was for me.