There are moments in life where you simply cannot deny any longer. A few months ago, I finally reached that point with my mom. For a year or so, I pretended that her memory wasn't really failing. I avoided in-person interaction with her at times because I knew that if I was with her, I'd see that the woman I've known from my first moment of life is slipping away, so I called her to chat instead of visiting. But that didn't stop the process from happening. It kept right on going, with or without my acknowledgment and permission.
My mom has dementia. It's getting worse, not better, and it's not something that can be denied any longer.
This week on Spring Break, I've spent the large majority of my time dealing with it. The time off work began with the long avoided (by her and me!) doctor's visit where she had to tell an "outsider" for the first time that she can't always remember things. On that particular day, it was things like how to subtract 7 from 100 in her head. And her birthday. On other days, she can do those things, but somehow can't remember that she was a bookkeeper for 45 years before she retired. I'm learning not to be shocked at what escapes her and just roll with it, but here where it's safe to emote freely, I can let you know that it's like a body blow every time I find something new she can't quite recall. It never gets easier.
After the initial visit, we shared a time of mother-daughter blood draws the next day, hers for baseline levels of many things I have to educate myself about, and mine for an upcoming annual physical that I'd also like to avoid, but won't. (I'm very practiced in the art of denial and avoidance!) It helped her that I was getting my blood drawn, too, especially since she couldn't quite remember why she had to have hers taken. That actually may be a blessing in disguise! Tomorrow, I'll take her for her first MRI where we will also see a baseline of what we're dealing with and how far advanced it is. Later in May, we'll see the neurologist and maybe by then I'll be ready to hear the word she is almost certain to utter to me. (No, I don't think it's likely either...can you ever really be ready for that?)
It's easy for me to believe that this "thing" taking my mother away from me a little at a time has the upper hand. But today, God reminded me that's just not so.
The day began with a call to mom, as it often does. Today, though, she let me know she'd lost her teeth and found a lot of money. OK...not our normal "good morning" conversation. So, I decided that a visit to mom's house would move to the top of my agenda for the day to determine just what we were dealing with.
When I arrived, she had her purse, her keys, a fistful of money, and was ready to go! Slow down, Mom! I was able to ask a few questions and get her to sit down and tell me what had happened before we hit the road. Essentially, she lost her top dentures when she fell asleep on the couch with them in last night, and couldn't find them this morning. So, while looking for them (in the top, unused drawer of her dresser in her bedroom - don't ask!) she found a lot of money. About $700, she thought. Oddly enough, the woman who worked on a daily basis with money now can't really count it well, so I asked if I could see it. $328. She wasn't too far off, right?!
After I counted the money, she was ready to go buy new teeth. They sell them on Main Street, she thinks. Whoa, Mom! Slow down. Let's figure this out. We can find your teeth here, I bet. That's when I got the news that she DID find them...and they were "crushed" by the couch. She said that when she moved the couch to look for them, she heard a "crunch" and so she moved it a few times, just to be sure she wasn't hearing things. When she lifted it, they were in several small pieces, so she threw them away. (Yup...I confirmed they were indeed destroyed and in the trash!)
Perhaps it would be a good time to tell you that my mom was a single mom for much of my childhood. We lived paycheck to paycheck and always made do, but never had much extra. She had no real retirement savings, and currently lives off of social security and has medicare insurance. So basically, I'm the bank for her. I honestly don't mind buying her groceries and clothes, whatever she needs and can't cover with the monthly social security check. She did this for me for the first 18 years of my life after all, and returning the favor is a true privilege and honor. But I'm not really prepared for the cost of dentures, which medicare won't cover. I do have bills of my own to take care of in addition to hers. So I sat down and looked online for a dentist who could quickly make dentures. I also was looking for one who had a payment plan, since I was fairly certain that I couldn't afford them without one.
That's when I came across "affordable dentures"...that will cost $325 and only take a day to make.
Wow.
Really, God? Wow. I shouldn't be surprised, because I've seen You do it over and over again...but WOW!!!
Those are the "economy" dentures, so I'm not sure what the quality will be, but I'm guessing that they're the ones we'll walk away with. Nearly the EXACT amount of money that my mom "found" in a drawer of a dresser she doesn't use...has no idea where it came from or why she has it. I know why she's got it...I know precisely why that's the amount of money she found!
Dementia doesn't win.
God does.
