tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50559005266391701732024-03-05T04:38:51.587-08:00I Still Have Something to Say!Midlife Musings from a 40-Something Girl on the Journey of Her LifeAngiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-70944182595897726952016-03-30T16:47:00.000-07:002016-03-30T16:47:47.938-07:00Denial is Not Just a River in Egypt...There are moments in life where you simply cannot deny any longer. A few months ago, I finally reached that point with my mom. For a year or so, I pretended that her memory wasn't really failing. I avoided in-person interaction with her at times because I knew that if I was with her, I'd see that the woman I've known from my first moment of life is slipping away, so I called her to chat instead of visiting. But that didn't stop the process from happening. It kept right on going, with or without my acknowledgment and permission.<br />
<br />
My mom has dementia. It's getting worse, not better, and it's not something that can be denied any longer.<br />
<br />
This week on Spring Break, I've spent the large majority of my time dealing with it. The time off work began with the long avoided (by her and me!) doctor's visit where she had to tell an "outsider" for the first time that she can't always remember things. On that particular day, it was things like how to subtract 7 from 100 in her head. And her birthday. On other days, she can do those things, but somehow can't remember that she was a bookkeeper for 45 years before she retired. I'm learning not to be shocked at what escapes her and just roll with it, but here where it's safe to emote freely, I can let you know that it's like a body blow every time I find something new she can't quite recall. It never gets easier.<br />
<br />
After the initial visit, we shared a time of mother-daughter blood draws the next day, hers for baseline levels of many things I have to educate myself about, and mine for an upcoming annual physical that I'd also like to avoid, but won't. (I'm very practiced in the art of denial and avoidance!) It helped her that I was getting my blood drawn, too, especially since she couldn't quite remember why she had to have hers taken. That actually may be a blessing in disguise! Tomorrow, I'll take her for her first MRI where we will also see a baseline of what we're dealing with and how far advanced it is. Later in May, we'll see the neurologist and maybe by then I'll be ready to hear the word she is almost certain to utter to me. (No, I don't think it's likely either...can you ever really be ready for that?)<br />
<br />
It's easy for me to believe that this "thing" taking my mother away from me a little at a time has the upper hand. But today, God reminded me that's just not so. <br />
<br />
The day began with a call to mom, as it often does. Today, though, she let me know she'd lost her teeth and found a lot of money. OK...not our normal "good morning" conversation. So, I decided that a visit to mom's house would move to the top of my agenda for the day to determine just what we were dealing with. <br />
<br />
When I arrived, she had her purse, her keys, a fistful of money, and was ready to go! Slow down, Mom! I was able to ask a few questions and get her to sit down and tell me what had happened before we hit the road. Essentially, she lost her top dentures when she fell asleep on the couch with them in last night, and couldn't find them this morning. So, while looking for them (in the top, unused drawer of her dresser in her bedroom - don't ask!) she found a lot of money. About $700, she thought. Oddly enough, the woman who worked on a daily basis with money now can't really count it well, so I asked if I could see it. $328. She wasn't too far off, right?! <br />
<br />
After I counted the money, she was ready to go buy new teeth. They sell them on Main Street, she thinks. Whoa, Mom! Slow down. Let's figure this out. We can find your teeth here, I bet. That's when I got the news that she DID find them...and they were "crushed" by the couch. She said that when she moved the couch to look for them, she heard a "crunch" and so she moved it a few times, just to be sure she wasn't hearing things. When she lifted it, they were in several small pieces, so she threw them away. (Yup...I confirmed they were indeed destroyed and in the trash!)<br />
<br />
Perhaps it would be a good time to tell you that my mom was a single mom for much of my childhood. We lived paycheck to paycheck and always made do, but never had much extra. She had no real retirement savings, and currently lives off of social security and has medicare insurance. So basically, I'm the bank for her. I honestly don't mind buying her groceries and clothes, whatever she needs and can't cover with the monthly social security check. She did this for me for the first 18 years of my life after all, and returning the favor is a true privilege and honor. But I'm not really prepared for the cost of dentures, which medicare won't cover. I do have bills of my own to take care of in addition to hers. So I sat down and looked online for a dentist who could quickly make dentures. I also was looking for one who had a payment plan, since I was fairly certain that I couldn't afford them without one.<br />
<br />
That's when I came across "affordable dentures"...that will cost $325 and only take a day to make. <br />
<br />
Wow.<br />
<br />
<b><i>Really, God? Wow. I shouldn't be surprised, because I've seen You do it over and over again...but WOW!!!</i></b><br />
<br />
Those are the "economy" dentures, so I'm not sure what the quality will be, but I'm guessing that they're the ones we'll walk away with. Nearly the EXACT amount of money that my mom "found" in a drawer of a dresser she doesn't use...has no idea where it came from or why she has it. I know why she's got it...I know precisely why that's the amount of money she found!<br />
<br />
Dementia doesn't win.<br />
<br />
God does.Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-72606129364449522502016-02-09T08:41:00.000-08:002016-02-09T08:41:09.969-08:00When You Don't Have It All Together...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfDUHCCpBhO8Z9Az8YSx3UGnLcpWB_mvSZj0r6bgowks8LGvooSqtMMlzjsxEaWd7W9QcB9F82FcbK5tWuhcM0c_blKh6HT5fYV2Y3aSulv0NODlHQplJ0I1_5bNI_QwLuKXwvLVr0i23t/s1600/alltogether.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfDUHCCpBhO8Z9Az8YSx3UGnLcpWB_mvSZj0r6bgowks8LGvooSqtMMlzjsxEaWd7W9QcB9F82FcbK5tWuhcM0c_blKh6HT5fYV2Y3aSulv0NODlHQplJ0I1_5bNI_QwLuKXwvLVr0i23t/s200/alltogether.jpg" width="193" /></a>It's been a while since I've blogged. It's been a while since I've felt like I had anything to say, actually. Somewhat ironic considering the title of my blog is I've Still Got Something To Say!<br />
<br />
I'm one of those people who has always been pretty transparent. I figure this journey of life is meant to be shared and that we can learn amazing things from each other if we are brave and bold enough to share our stories. But what I normally share is when I've had some brilliant insight, an epiphany of sorts. It doesn't have to be a victory that brings that kind of learning, though I've shared plenty of those along the path. Typically, those kinds of insights come from the lows, actually - not the highs. I write about my life to process internally what's happening in and to me and then share it in case other people can benefit from it, too. I usually write after I have it all together.<br />
<br />
And maybe that's why I haven't been writing a lot in the past year. I don't have it all together. And I don't like admitting that. I surely don't like living it, but admitting that just now feels like admitting defeat, and I don't do defeat very well.<br />
<br />
For as happy as I generally am, I can also be pretty intense. That comes from being an over-achiever, I think. I can get a little obsessed at times. (Those closest to me know this, understand it, and give me far more grace than I could ever thank them for!) To me, having it all together means having control of all the plates I've got spinning - and there are many. That's okay...I can spin a lot of plates at once - that's not the issue. What is really throwing me is that so many of them are spinning out of my control lately. <br />
<br />
So where do you go when you don't have it all together? No, really. I'm not rhetorically asking that question; I'm legitimately wondering. <br />
<br />
I am a Jesus girl and I run all things in my life through my Jesus filter...but I also like having answers, and right now, I don't have any. It's not that I don't think He'll lead me to them...it's just that right now, I have none. And I don't like the feeling at all. <br />
<br />
I collect positive, encouraging phrases like the one I put in this post, and I come back to them time and time again - hoping that one day I'll believe them. But the reality is, it's hard for me not to have control of so many things in my life. . My mom, my 20-something kiddos, my job, and a variety of other situations are happening in my life right now that I can really only react to, not control. It doesn't feel like it's okay not to have it all together!<br />
<br />
So why am I breaking my pattern and talking about life if I don't have it all together in my head right now? Well...a few reasons, really, but mainly because a few days ago Facebook brought an old blog post of mine from a year ago back to my attention in its "See Your Memories" feature - and boy, did I need to read what I wrote a year ago that day! I'm writing for my future self - and for anyone else who cares to read it. I'm writing because this is how I do life - I process it with written words. I'm writing because for me, it's as necessary as breathing. (I already feel a little better just because I've put this all down in words, instead of letting it just rumble around in my head.)<br />
<br />
For today, this counts as my win...<br />
<br />Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-19306344778820689422015-08-04T05:53:00.000-07:002015-08-04T06:48:18.320-07:00Who I AmThis summer, my church has been preaching a sermon series on the 7 "I Am" statements that Jesus made about Himself in the book of John. This morning, as I was having a private pity party about the state of my physical and mental health right now in life, something struck me. Jesus had plenty to feel pitiful about, too...He cried, too...He wanted a different outcome, too. But what got Him through it? <br />
<br />
<b><i>He knew who He was. </i></b><br />
<br />
When He gave us those "I Am" messages, He revealed in ways that we could understand that He was indeed God incarnate and had come for a purpose - to seek us and save us. But what if He was speaking them to Himself, too? Verbal reminders of the absolute truths of His existence. Reassurance that no matter how out of control the world felt as he walked His way toward the cross, there was a plan...and it hadn't changed. HE hadn't changed. Don't we all need that kind of knowledge from time to time?<br />
<br />
Perhaps the better question is if He knew who He was...shouldn't I know who I am, too? The enemy is gaining so much ground in my thought-life this summer, which is something really hard to admit for a Jesus Girl who loves her God as much as she ever has. The enemy is trying hard to convince me that where I am is all there is, it won't get better, the best days of my life aren't truly ahead of me, they've already passed. But perhaps that's happening because I don't really understand and haven't laid claim to who I truly am. <br />
<br />
And perhaps the way to take ground against my enemy is to do that - know my absolute truths and speak them. Own them. Believe them. So, with all due respect to my Savior who did this so much better than I'm about to, here are my own "I Am" truths.<br />
<br />
<i><b>I am a daughter of the King and I belong.</b> </i> So much of this summer, I have felt lost, left out, alone. But what I feel is not what is true. I'm going to say that again...what I FEEL is not what's TRUE! What IS true is that I am a member of the family that God has made, and I can and should reach out when I feel lost and alone. I believe we were made for community, and right now in my life, I belong to some amazing ones that have my back and care deeply about me. This is a precious gift.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><i>I am perfectly imperfect.</i> </b> Although I hate making and owning mistakes, I understand that they have been some of the most incredible opportunities for GRACE to make itself evident in my life. I am alive and moving forward in life because of incredible grace! Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. I have experienced what the angels never will...to stand in need and embrace a Savior. There is no need to continue to beat myself up over choices I've made that I regret...I've learned, I've been offered forgiveness, mercy, and grace, and I can move forward.<br />
<br />
<i><b>I am a work in progress. </b> </i>I will never be complete this side of heaven, and I wasn't meant to be. If I lack in an area, I trust God will work it out in me and lead me in His paths as I yield myself to Him. I don't need to be complete, and in fact, I can't be. Completeness isn't my goal - growth is. Am I moving in the direction I should be is the question that should be answered....because when my direction is in alignment with His, then I am living a life that brings me satisfaction and happiness.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><i>I am loving and kind.</i></b> This is something that makes me strong, not weak. I love deeply, easily, and well. I enjoy doing nice, kind things for people, and I will go out of my way to do so. My love and kindness are never misplaced, even when they are not returned to me the way I want or hope they will be. This world is very short in the love and kindness department, and sharing mine liberally isn't a bad thing. In fact, it's exactly what God wants me to do...love like He does.<br />
<br />
<i>I<b> am strong and capable. </b></i> Yes, I am limited right now physically, but I won't always be, and in fact, I have made many gains already to reclaim strength. I will keep making those as time passes. Yes, I am mentally worn down right now, too, but that's my choice. I am able to think, reason, pray, and make decisions that will change my reality. Those are God-given gifts, and when I use them, I AM strong and I AM capable of doing what I want and am called to do.<br />
<br />
<b><i>I am intelligent. </i></b> Yes, I forget things from time to time, more than I used to. But I am smart. I know things - many things - and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Nor is it meant to become a source of false pride in my life. It is the result of a lifetime of loving to learn, and I don't want to ever lose that desire to learn new things.<br />
<br />
<b><i>I am an overcomer.</i> </b> I am because He is, and He says I am. In fact, He says I am MORE than a conquerer! Jesus' victory on the cross gives me access to the same power He used to defeat death and the grave. If I'm not using it, it's not because it's not available...it's that I'm choosing not to access it, and I need to remember this!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
Chronic pain is real, and it has passed the God-filter for this season of my life. He's allowed it in for His purposes in my life, and I know that it is, at least in part, responsible for my mental state. I haven't been as strong as I want to be and need to be to fight the lies of my enemy...and I've had way too many pity parties! The pain IS real...but I don't have to let it effect my reality. These truths about me are no less true because I am in pain. Maybe this is why He let it through when He stops so many other things. Maybe He wants to me claim and live Philippians 4:8...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><br /></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i>"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just,</i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i>whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable,</i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i>if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise,</i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i>THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS."</i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><br /></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><i><br /></i></b></div>
OK, Jesus...I feel you! It's time to focus on who I am...and who YOU are! No more pity parties to begin my days. There's nothing pitiful about me...not one thing! Time to live that truth.<br />
<br />
Moving Forward...<br />
Angie<br />
:-)<br />
<br />Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-38499357904738768802015-07-26T18:01:00.001-07:002015-07-26T18:01:37.366-07:00I See You...It's been a long time, I know. But it's also been a long, hot, painful summer for me. And as trying times in our lives usually do, it's teaching me some lessons about who I am, who I want to be, and what I'm willing to sacrifice to be that person.<br />
<br />
Because of knee replacement surgery, I've had a lot of solitary, sitting-on-my-couch-with-nothing-to-do-cuz-I-can't-move time. Oh, don't get me wrong - double knee replacement will change my life for the better. But that's a definite WILL...not a HAS. The process of getting from the surgery to the better is not for the weak, my friends! <br />
<br />
But this post isn't about me whining or bemoaning the fate of my summer. Nope! I mention it to explain that all this sitting around has given me an extraordinary amount of surgically enforced "down" time...and my active mind isn't at all used to that. I may not be very physically active this summer, but I'm rarely not mentally active...and I've really been doing some thinking. Overthinking in too many cases, I'm sure. I've had some happy moments and some dreadfully sad ones, but in it all, one theme keeps coming back to me and it's time to talk about it...get some feedback, hopefully. Let me fill you in on some of what I've been feeling and thinking.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
At first, I'll be honest, I was really bummed...sad...this summer. I had to end my school year early to have the knee replacement surgery in order to be ready to go once school starts up again in August, so I didn't really have a good moment of closure with some kiddos I dearly love. That's present tense, you'll notice. I'm the kind of teacher who considers you "hers" once I've spent a school year with you. There's no past tense to that kind of love in my mind. Once you're my kiddo, you're always my kiddo! But the fact is, because I teach 5th grade, I won't see many of these kiddos again...they'll be in a new building, moving forward with their education and life, as they should be. And while I'm very proud of the role I played in that and the people they are becoming, I miss them, and not really having a goodbye with them was much harder than I anticipated it would be. <br />
<br />
The next thing I've been feeling this summer is pain. Physical, real pain. Knee replacement is considered major surgery for a reason, I've learned. It's painful. I'm just not going to sugarcoat that for anyone who's facing it. It's worth all the pain once you're on the other side and have full use of a knee that was once incapable of functioning...I'd do it again if I had the same choice. But don't kid yourself. It's nowhere near what anyone would consider easy. I ended up taking an awful lot of pain killers because of this pain, to the point that I nearly had a little addiction problem. Oh, I was not abusing them. I took them as sparingly as I thought I needed them and exactly as they were prescribed, even less than they were prescribed. But that doesn't mean you still can't become dependent on them. Everybody's body is different and my body loved Percocet just a little too much!<br />
<br />
Thank God my physical therapist could see the beginning of an issue and loved me and knew me well enough to nip it right in the bud...cold turkey. She educated me about what the pain killer was doing and how it worked, and told me to stop taking them. Immediately. No option. Then she prepared me for life without Percocet. She helped me through every step of it in my therapy and had compassion where it was needed, but firmly moved me forward in my rehab. She is an amazing gift of God in my life and I'm very grateful she intervened, more than I could ever find words to thank her. She has saved me in so many ways...this is just one more example of it! <br />
<br />
I am humbled and very happy to tell you I have NO pain killer addiction to manage while I'm rehabbing this new knee!!! But to come that close to disaster has some lingering effects. My emotions, my pain management, my life have been impacted because of my time on those pain killers...and doing life without them is hard while you're still in a good bit of pain on a daily basis.<br />
<br />
I'm not really myself yet in many ways. My emotions aren't quite right. My reactions are off. I cry for no reason sometimes...honestly...no discernible reason. And other times, I cry WITH reason, but uncontrollably. My family (all boys...even the dog!) don't know what to do with me most of the time, and honestly, I'm not too sure myself some days. It's getting better as time passes, but I keep waiting for me to feel like...well...ME. I haven't for so long that I'm forgetting what it's like to smile and just be happy.<br />
<br />
Which brings me to what's been coming back to my mind again and again. <br />
<br />
For much of this summer, I've been physically alone. However, I've felt emotionally alone, too.<br />
<br />
Now, I know...I KNOW...that what we FEEL isn't necessarily what's REAL. I believe that as a core value of mine, actually. It's helped me grow in my faith more than I could say. Holding on to God's TRUTH, despite what I FEEL in the moment, has brought me through many things in my life. So I'm completely aware that because I FEEL alone emotionally doesn't mean that I AM alone. In fact, I know for certain that I'm not.<br />
<br />
I know there are friends of mine who think of me, pray for me, miss me, and even a few who have reached out and engaged me and visited me. I have amazing friends, and this summer hasn't changed my opinion on that. But it has helped me understand something in a way I didn't before, as most of your life experiences will do if you let yourself reflect on them and learn the lesson God has put before you.<br />
<br />
<b><i>People need to be seen. We need to be known. We need to know we are loved...valued...that we matter.</i></b> <br />
<br />
And more and more, I'm convinced this is ALL of us who need this, not just those who will openly acknowledge it.<br />
<br />
I love my friends - dearly - but I'll be very honest and say that many of them have been very quiet this summer for whatever reason, and that it hurts...a lot. Not too many reach out and check on me and my progress. Perhaps that's because I update social media at least once a week, but do you know what I mean when I say it feels better for someone to ask? Very few have made the trip to the farm to visit me, though I've had some lovely times with a few friends now that I've finally been given the green light to drive again. But what about when I couldn't? Why didn't some of them come see me or call or text to check on me? Even on social media, I have far fewer "likes" on my statuses than I'd typically see, and not a lot of comments that engage me, which could be for very many reasons, I know. But no matter what reason it's happening, what it screams to me is that I'm not being seen. Or worse...that I AM being seen, but that I'm very easy to ignore.<br />
<br />
A few of my friends have recently apologized for being absent in my life, which I have deeply appreciated. Normally, when someone apologizes to me for something, I say something like, "Oh, it's no problem." And I mean it. I'm one who forgives hurts quickly and easily. This time when it happened, I just said, "Thank you for saying that." I needed to hear it so badly! I needed validation that someone understands that being forgotten, or left out, for whatever reason it is that I've been excluded from a friend's life... STINKS!<br />
<br />
I don't lay any of my emotional state this summer at my friends' feet. Please don't hear me say that. I know this is me...and God...and that He is doing some teaching of lessons in my life that He knows I need to learn. It's VERY unusual for me to feel this way, and I think all my friends would know this, but I want to be clear. I love you all! I'm not mad at any of you, and I'm not hurting about this any more. I'm really tuning in to what I think God is trying to teach me. Here's what I think that is...<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><b style="font-style: italic;">SEE people...really, see them. </b> Initiate contact with people and don't wait for them to come to you. We need this. Badly. There was a psychologist named Maslow who had a theory about a hierarchy of needs that we have as humans. After we get our physiological (food, water) and safety (shelter) needs met...we need LOVE and affiliation as humans. It's that basic. Too often, I've been guilty of not seeing people. Rushing past them without taking time to really acknowledge that I see them and that they matter. I'm doing that differently now...because of my experience this summer. I am consciously seeing people...and telling them so. </li>
<li><b><i>Seeing someone doesn't mean you know what they're dealing with.</i></b> Love them, even when they're being ugly. There is so much silent pain that needs our love to help heal it. So much silent pain. You can't look at me know the intense physical pain I'm in most days. If I'm really good at painting the smile on, you can't see the emotional pain either. But that doesn't mean it's not there. Let your default be LOVE. Don't let the enemy steal that response from you in your self-righteous need to be vengeful and return someone's snarkiness with your own. And finally...</li>
<li><b><i>Social media is tough...but it has its benefits...use them! </i></b> There have been some tough things I've learned about social media this summer. Those who know me (and even those who don't really could probably guess since I have a blog!) know that I'm a big fan of connectedness. Probably too much...another thing God is teaching me that I have yet to master, admittedly! I've learned to not judge my importance to my friends and family by their "like"s, but I won't lie and say that they don't matter to me. They do. It's so easy to hit that like button...to acknowledge again that I see you...I'm tuned in to what's happening in your world...you matter to me. Do that more, friends. For the people you care about, do that. Engage people...those you care about for sure, but even those who are just casual friends. Have you thought about why people post the things they do on social media? Perhaps they need a word of encouragement. Maybe they found something profound and want to share it with people they care about. Or, like me, maybe they're stuck at home and lonely and just need SOME type of human interaction to make them feel a bit more alive. Human contact will always be preferable to me than social media, but in our day and age...we have this technology, and we can use it to be "kind and tenderhearted" as Ephesians admonishes us to be with each other. One caveat here is that we can also use social media to be malicious more easily. Don't do that! But why not use this tool we have to connect us to each other?</li>
</ul>
<div>
So..that's it. That's what God is nailing home to me lately. Deep stuff, tough stuff. Hope you can find something useful in there. I believe that God makes our stories HIS story when we share what's happening. That's one reason I've always tried to be pretty transparent...to share what He's doing in me so that if it helps you, too...He's done what He needs to do.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Feel free to engage me on some of this. I'm sure that some of it might not sit quite the same with you as it is with me, and I'm happy to chat about it. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
More than anything, friends...please keep me in your prayers. This recovery business isn't all it's cracked up to be sometimes. There are big successes along the way, for sure...but many more setbacks. I suppose that's why I needed 12 weeks off work! I start week 7 tomorrow...more than halfway! Please pray that God would continue to work as only He can in my body and in my mind, and that I would stay open to that process...all of it, even the painful, icky stuff!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Moving Forward...</div>
<div>
Angie</div>
<div>
:-)</div>
Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-33709043478524416212015-05-24T09:18:00.000-07:002015-05-24T09:18:05.278-07:00You Just Don't Know...On this journey forward this year, many ideas are finally coming into focus for me. This one I'm sharing today is one that has actually been forming in me for many years and through many life situations. And it is a particularly hard one for me to embrace as a woman who prides herself on her intelligence, but that makes it no less true. Here it is...<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>You don't know. </b> </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Really.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You. Don't. Know.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Oh, we think we know. We are more than happy to share with everyone we know exactly what we know. We are convinced that we completely understand all there is to it. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But we don't know.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You can't look at me, for example, and understand how enormous the knee pain is that I work through on a daily basis. You may see me limp from time to time. And you perhaps have talked about it with me and know that the surgery that gives me hope for a better quality of life is 15 days away. But you have no way of knowing that every step I take on my right leg feels like a knife is stabbing me, but that I keep on taking those steps because I am deathly afraid that the moment I intentionally stop taking them will be the day that I no longer can and that haunts me.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You don't know.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm not saying that you SHOULD know. I'm not even saying that you CAN know, not fully anyway. What I'm saying is that you DON'T. You hear me. You pray for me. You may even love me. But you don't know.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Why is that important? For this reason: because you don't know, you don't get to judge. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You don't get to see me sitting down at my desk instead of roaming my classroom like I might have in the past and make a judgment that I'm a lazy teacher. You don't get to look at the dust piled high on nearly every surface of my house and deem me a horrible housekeeper. You don't get to see the weight I worked so hard to lose come piling back on me and think I've given up and don't care anymore. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You don't know.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Make no mistake...people DO make those judgments. A few are even brave enough to own them...confront me about them and share their unsolicited wisdom...but you don't get to. Because you don't know.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I know that I've been given this lesson in my life because I'm one who doesn't know, too. And I've learned this lesson the hard way. By assuming that I do know...when in reality, I don't.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I don't know that the marriage that looks so much better than mine from the outside is actually struggling to hold on and may not make it.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I don't know that the mom who looks to me like she's doing everything right is shaming herself daily for sins only she knows and is desperate for someone to help her.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I don't know that the kiddo who looks to me like she's highly intelligent and capable is dreadfully afraid of finding the subject she knows nothing about because then everyone will see how stupid she really is, so she stays up very late every night and makes sure that she knows as much as she can about everything she can.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I THINK I know these things. I am a very keen observer of people. I pay attention. But I don't know.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I. Don't. Know.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And because I don't know, I need to stop judging. I need to stop believing I know what I can't possibly know. And I need to just love people and offer them grace instead of judgment. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I need to ask...and listen. And then listen some more. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I need to pray...and forgive. And then forgive some more.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Perhaps more than anything, I need to remember always that I don't know.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This world is full of critics. What it's decidedly short on is people who are willing to love. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My move forward today...and hopefully every day hereafter...is to be one of those people. It's better not to know and just to love. It gets us much farther in the end, doesn't it?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Moving Forward....</div>
<div>
Angie</div>
<div>
:-)</div>
Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-65389947318414695982015-05-16T18:47:00.001-07:002015-05-16T18:47:07.568-07:00To Know...and Be KnownI had the chance to do some extraordinary things today. <br />
<br />
The first event on my very busy weekend schedule was a meeting about the Global Leadership Summit, where I have the privilege of serving on a team that makes many people welcome in our building as they learn via live satellite feed from some AMAZING leaders. I have listened and learned and had my life changed for the past 4 years now by this annual event, and knowing that I get to serve on this team is a delight, because I know firsthand the difference it will make in the lives of those who attend it! <br />
<br />
At this first team meeting with some amazing ladies who are also serving at the summit, our leader ended our time together in prayer - not an uncommon thing to happen at a church meeting. She asked us point blank questions about what was going on in our lives and spirits - also not unusual, given this particular leader's style and belief in the power of prayer. What was incredible is that we opened up to each other in a really surprising way. We shared great joy, deep pain, confident hope, and abject fear with each other and then took a long time to intimately pray for and with each other. <br />
<br />
If you've never done that, I strongly recommend it. To be prayed over in that way moved me. To pray over a sister in that way humbled me. I needed that connection so much and hadn't expected to have that need met so wonderfully this morning. Where I had planned on attending a meeting, God planned a little revival in my life. <br />
<br />
When I left that meeting, with my emotional tank already feeling pretty full, I moved on to today's next big event - a very long awaited meeting with some former colleagues of mine. For several years, we were a teaching team together. I'm not sure you could find four people who are more different from each other in temperament, but what we share in common far outweighs that. We can teach...all of us...and although we do it differently, we also do it really, really well. We were a dynamic, high-performing team and it is a huge joy for me to know that we made changes in this world because we changed the lives of kiddos and their families. We did some of our best work together and I have looked forward to sharing this lunch with them for a long time now. <br />
<br />
It didn't disappoint! The meal was wonderful, and the company was even better! Being together with my friends made the years melt away and I could remember being a fairly young, idealistic teacher on a faculty with these people. They really have no idea, I think, that some things I still do in the classroom I do because of their influence. Admittedly, I know next to nothing about how other careers work, having spent the past 27 years as a teacher, but I really hope that at least some jobs have the same spirit of collegiality that educators share. We are far more than co-workers. We are truly friends. <br />
<br />
As we were sitting at the table catching up with each other and waiting for the whole group to arrive, for the second time today, a friend asked me point blank questions about what was going on in my life. And for the second time, I answered honestly and opened up to someone who was genuinely interested in the answers. More connection.<br />
<br />
On the drive home from an uplifting happy time together it hit me. Both of these interactions today revealed something to me about myself that I'm finally able to put words to.<br />
<br />
<b><i>There is very little that I want more in life than to know and be known. </i></b><br />
<br />
I live a transparent life most times, as this blog can attest, in an effort to be seen and known by people. It means so much to me when someone says by their actions,<br />
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<i><b>"Hey...I see you...I hear you...I know you."</b></i> <br />
<br />
Because what that really screams to me is,<br />
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i>"I accept you...I care for you...I love you." </i></b><br />
<br />
I pay attention and try to be positive and encouraging to people for much the same reason...I want them to know that they are seen and loved. I want to remind them that they matter and that my world is a better place because they are in it. <br />
<br />
I'm going to keep praying about this and digging into it now that I finally have some words for it. I suspect that I'm not really alone in this desire to know and be known. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that many people in this world probably want the same thing to some extent. We were made for connection and it is an unnatural state for us to be without it. <br />
<br />
Sometimes moving forward is about who you bring with you. I have some of the best companions I could ever ask for along for my ride!<br />
<br />
Moving Forward...again...finally<br />
<br />
Angie<br />
:-)<br />
<br />
<br />Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-77000817017320331882015-05-12T19:09:00.000-07:002015-05-12T19:09:10.015-07:00Here....I currently have 3 blog posts sitting as drafts in my work space, and tonight I finally figured out why.<br />
<br />
My word for this year is forward. I've been praying over it and striving to live it out as I stretch myself and do things I didn't think I could. Only lately, God is trying to make the move forward really clear for me...but I've been holding on to here. <br />
<br />
Here is a place I know. There's comfort in that, even though here is not necessarily a place I'm really enjoying in life. <br />
<br />
Here is midlife, and all of the lovely changes in my body and attitude that brings, sometimes on an hourly basis.<br />
<br />
Here is looking toward the end of my career and wondering if I've done all I could and what's still left to accomplish in the next ten years.<br />
<br />
Here is contemplating an empty nest soon, and some days very eager for it to arrive, while others I sit in the bathroom and sob because I'm done raising little boys and I miss their hugs and their dirty faces that I got to scrub in the bathtub a lifetime ago.<br />
<br />
Here is facing down another knee surgery next month because arthritis has taken all it can from me and I have no more left to give.<br />
<br />
Here is contemplating many decisions made in my early 20's that are not really what I anticipated they'd be in my late 40's and wondering if this is all there is...and if it isn't, what can and should I do about that.<br />
<br />
Here isn't really paradise, but it's not hell either, and I've been sitting here for a while now. <br />
<br />
Waiting.<br />
Wanting. <br />
Wondering.<br />
Waffling.<br />
<br />
Those drafts of blog posts are symbolic of my life right now. They're sitting here, too, every bit as disorganized and unfinished as the woman who penned them. They're not ready to be seen. They're raw and emotional and hard to digest. Just like the woman who penned them. In fact, I'm really tempted to just delete them. Maybe that's the forward move - to let them go - let go of here and move my attention to there instead. To forward.<br />
<br />
Some days, I'm just not ready for forward. <br />
<br />
I wish it wasn't beckoning me.<br />
<br />
But it is.<br />
<br />Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-4434506236673104032015-04-26T07:26:00.001-07:002015-04-26T07:26:21.219-07:00There's Something to Be Said for a Sabbath...As I'm writing this, it's a lovely Sunday morning. It's a little chilly for late April in Maryland, but a lot sunnier than the anticipated forecast. I'm sitting in my pajamas, in my cozy bed in a quiet house<br />
<br />
*WAIT*!!! <br />
<br />
It's a Sunday morning...<br />
<br />
And I'm at HOME?!?!<br />
<br />
So I must be sick, right? No, I'm not. Well, then it must be that my knee is being painfully tricky this morning. Yes, it is, but I'm able to move. <br />
<br />
Then WHY am I not at church?<br />
<br />
That's a really good question. And, honestly, it's one that I felt guilty about answering until I read a friend's post on Facebook a few minutes ago. She's home, too...watching the same service I just watched...while she sits on her patio in the gorgeous sunlight, with a cup of coffee and a great book. Now, I'm good. Now, I get it.<br />
<br />
I did "go" to church already today...worshiped online with about 200 other people at 8:00 AM this morning, while many hundred more physically came and sat in the seats. I've connected with God. I've connected virtually with other believers. But my body is home right now. And that's OK today.<br />
<br />
It's this new understanding that I have about myself as an "achiever" that's beginning to take root in me. Sometimes, it's a really bad thing to be an achiever. Sometimes, I feel that if I'm NOT out there and achieving, then I'm not living out my purpose...not doing what I am passionate about...not leaving my mark on the world. I feel like I'm FAILING. So I push myself. Always. Except for today I just figured out that I'm sometimes pushing too hard.<br />
<br />
It's OK to not physically be present at church today. My heart was present in worship...and my body needs a break. I don't have anything that I need to achieve today. I am not failing simply because I'm not intentionally trying to achieve something. <br />
<br />
I'm resting...which is what my body and mind need most today. <br />
<br />
I'm enjoying God's beautiful creation...which is something that I don't spend nearly enough time doing.<br />
<br />
I'm writing...which I haven't felt like doing in a while, probably because I'm way too busy with things that AREN'T my passion to pursue the things that are.<br />
<br />
And I'm happy. <br />
<br />
There's something to be said for a sabbath day. Every day can't be one...but some days should. And today is mine.<br />
<br />
Moving Forward...<br />
Angie<br />
:-)Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-36485013688408987262015-04-23T17:33:00.000-07:002015-04-23T17:33:12.895-07:00It's Almost My Birthday......and I'm OK with that!<br />
<br />
Last year, I remember being very impacted and upset about getting older. I felt very, very old, which was somewhat unusual for me. I have never been a person who is overly bothered by a number. I think you're only about as old as you act or feel. But last year, turning 47, I felt old.<br />
<br />
This year, however, I'm feeling a bit refreshed and renewed. I'm making changes in my life a little at a time, like allowing myself to try new things - that I may or may not be successful at - and risking failure. I'm becoming more and more the person I want to be. Oh, the journey is nowhere near complete. It won't be, I think, until I draw my last breath here and wake up in heaven, where I'll be exactly who I was created to be, no more flaws holding me back. But I'm persuaded that the journey to that day is just as important as arriving there. And right now, the journey is going well.<br />
<br />
So, next week...in seven short days when I turn 48...you won't find me lamenting the passing of another month, another year. Nope. I plan on celebrating! There are some amazing things happening in my life right now in this season, and I am embracing and enjoying every moment. Yes, I'm looking mid-life square in the eye...and the view from here isn't half bad.<br />
<br />
Moving Forward...<br />
Angie<br />
:-)Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-75356410748096035882015-04-04T17:26:00.000-07:002015-04-04T17:26:23.808-07:00Hello, my name is Angie and I'm an Achiever...I've come to realize something about myself recently that I'm not entirely certain how to prcoess. If you've ever done a Strengths Finder (<a href="http://www.strengthsfinder.com/home.aspx">http://www.strengthsfinder.com/home.aspx</a>) assessment for yourself, you'll discover some nouns that name 5 of your strongest strengths. I highly recommend taking one if you haven't. Well, my strongest strength was being an achiever, and at first blush, that sounds like exactly who I am. <br />
<br />
I've always been a very high achiever. Always. If there was an A to be had in school, I went after it, and more times than not, I got it. I'm a member in good standing of many different honor societies. I've been nominated for and received awards for many things. I'm proud to be known as someone who won't quit until the job is done and done well. It's truly part of my nature. I just...achieve.<br />
<br />
But what I've discovered over the past several months is that there may be a reason that I achieve besides the results of that little questionnaire. I do achieve...that much is accurate...but I think the REASON I achieve is rather complex and not completely lovely.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
One of the big reasons I achieve is that I derive a tremendous sense of self-esteem from doing so. I enjoy being the "smart" one in a crowd. I love being known for my intelligence and skill at doing my job. Rather than being happy with myself for who I AM...I've become a little dependent on being recognized for what I DO. That's definitely something I have to look into more deeply on the journey forward...and likely something that needs to change about my approach to life. It's wonderful to achieve, but if too much of my positive view of myself comes from what I achieve, what will happen when I can't achieve any longer? When I'm not the smartest person or most gifted teacher in the room any more? Can you see my dilemma here?<br />
<br />
Another reason I achieve is one that I'm reluctant to admit...but confession is good for the soul, right?! I achieve in part because I very carefully choose the things that I am willing to do. I play the games I can win...and avoid the ones that I think I may not be able to do well. I achieve because I set myself up to do so by refusing to challenge myself to new things where I may or may not achieve. I'd rather achieve than not...so I stick to the safe bets.<br />
<br />
Many people probably do this to a certain extent. After all, I don't know anyone who routinely puts their lack of skill on display for the world to see. We tend to keep our "failures" close to our vests and hide them from the world. It's the successes that the world...and we...prize and put out there for public consumption.<br />
<br />
But what if our failures are really NOT a lack of achievement? What if the achievement is truly that we challenged ourselves to move out of our comfort zones and do new things...things that matter...and things that we may not immediately be fantastic at doing?<br />
<br />
So, I have some work to do to keep moving forward in this area. And here's my plan (because you just KNEW an achiever would have one, didn't you??!?!)<br />
<br />
First, I'm going to get my head worked out so that I completely believe and live in the truth that I am MORE than the choices I make, the things I do. I am a child of God who is loved because He created her for His pleasure. I need no other sense of my own worth than to know that Christ was willing to exchange His life for mine. That is enough. And it's time to live that way and derive my sense of self-esteem from that eternal truth. It is the only thing that will always be true. My achievements and accomplishments will come and go. God's love, grace, and mercy are the constant in my life, and the only thing that I can and should boast of. <br />
<br />
And then, I need to challenge myself more to step out of my comfort zone and do the things that I'm not sure I can do. If I'm truly going to base my self-esteem on eternal truths, then I need to also be willing to do things where I can't stack the deck for myself to come out on top and achieve. Why? Because there are things worth doing that I've never allowed myself to experience. I'm limiting what God can and will use me for if I don't open myself up to fail every now and then. Also, because failing is valuable in and of itself. It's part of the learning cycle. If I can't let myself fail, then I'm limiting what I can learn. Who needs those kinds of limits? Not me!<br />
<br />
There's my forward move for the week...I'm going to be a reformed achiever! No, not right away...this will take some practice and boldness. But now that I've figured it out, you know I've got to move on it. A forward-moving girl like me can do no less!<br />
<br />
Moving forward...<br />
Angie<br />
:-)Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-70012057342815247752015-03-28T08:37:00.000-07:002015-03-28T08:40:37.286-07:00Learning to Dance....Hey! Long time no chat, right?! Well...it's been a month! Literally AND figuratively. This one just about did me in, but spring break began not a moment too soon yesterday afternoon. After a great time last night with my friends working a concert (which I dearly LOVE to do!) and a restful morning, I'm feeling more like talking today.<br />
<br />
I try not to whine about it, but I've shared before that Mother Nature is doing a number on me as I enter this perimenopausal season of life. For the past month, she's been on a vendetta, I believe. It feels like she's trying to take me down with every hormonal nightmare she has at her disposal. I had every hope that my own experience with this time would go quickly and easily as my mother's did, but genetics has betrayed me and it honestly feels like I walk through a very personal hell many days. Again, literally and figuratively! These hot flashes are nothing to play with, people! And the emotional mood swings could rival those of early adolescence any day. In fact, we just finished teaching the health unit on puberty at school this week, and I can assure you that my 5th graders have NOTHING on me! This is not for faint of heart!<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
One of the more difficult impacts of this physical change in my body is the emotional conflicts I have to work hard to avoid. Oh, my friends and family aren't intentionally initiating conflict...far from it! I have the most incredibly supportive and amazing people surrounding me in life...it's a great blessing to do life with these people! But I know that these people are not experiencing our relationship, our interactions, our conversations quite the way that I do in my hormone-induced fog. And so I have a monologue constantly running internally to remind myself that I'm not processing life right now in the manner I normally would, and my friend didn't really mean what I thought she just said. The phrase, "It's not you, it's me," has never been more true for me, but occasionally, as you can imagine, I forget that. At those moments, it truly does feel like the world and everyone in it hates me...that I'm no good at anything...and that life will never be what I want it to be. <br />
<br />
Why am I sharing all this? Well, that's a legitimate question with a somewhat complex answer. First, I'm documenting for myself the journey I'm taking forward into this next season of my life in this blog, and whether I would have chosen it or not, this physical journey forward is part of that reality. It's not a part that I've particularly embraced, but it's happening...it's real...and it is having a much greater impact on my life than I truly anticipated it might when I was reading up on it and preparing myself for it. (You never can, by the way...just so you know!) <br />
<br />
Also, I'm putting this out there because I want my people- those closest to me in life - to know that if I'm a bit "off my game" lately, it truly is ME..my issue...not anything they've done or not done, said or not said. It's all me! I can only imagine how difficult it is to live with me some days, and I appreciate the love, the support, the patience and grace they are affording me. I want to say that to them publicly and to remind them...and myself...that I WILL get past this one day. Moving forward requires that, doesn't it?<br />
<br />
Finally, though, a wise friend reminded me that the picture I paint of myself in public forums like in social media, on my blog, or when I'm at work, needn't always be that of a woman who is happily skipping her way through life, unaffected by the things that many people around me are also facing. Being real and transparent are ways to let the world know that yes, unexpected things DO happen in life, and I don't always respond well to them...just like they don't. My story becomes more accessible to people and hopefully more impacting in positive, helpful ways when I don't only share the successes, but also the struggles. I've always tried to live that way - to let God's story unfolding in my life be a message for anyone who needs to see or hear it. But for this past month, I've somewhat abandoned that. I'm really happy that my friend reminded me of who I am and what I value. <br />
<br />
I value transparency deeply because of what it allows others to learn from the experiences God has given me. If I'm willing to risk being open and out there with not only my successes, but also my less than successful moments, it gives God a chance to put His tremendous grace on display through His work in my FAR less than perfectly lived life! It lets people see things in me that they recognize in themselves, too, and perhaps not feel so alone. It gives people the opportunity to see God at work in me and be reminded that He is indeed at work in their lives, too. <br />
<br />
Never doubt that, my friends. Every season of life has its own rhythm, composed by the Master. We can choose to cower from the beat...or we can learn to dance to it. I'm just learning the dance right now...<br />
<br />
Moving Forward...<br />
Angie<br />
:-)Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-30125977026055416922015-02-22T11:48:00.003-08:002015-02-22T11:57:53.049-08:00Why I Do What I Do...Those of you who know me understand that teaching isn't just a career for me. I don't do it because I'm just "good with kids"...although, I really am. I definitely don't do it because you get summers off...because teachers truly don't, which is a discussion that merits its own separate blog post! If you really want to know why I teach, here it is.<br />
<br />
Valentine's Day is still a big deal in elementary schools. Even the "too-cool-for-school" fifth graders I teach still look forward to making their mailboxes and exchanging greetings of friendship and love on this holiday. In fact, some of the 10 and 11 year old kiddos go all out for Valentine's Day. This year, because I happen to have wildly talented and creative little people in my care, about half my class made their own handmade Valentine cards. (I particularly enjoyed the <i>Star Wars</i> themed ones that said, "This is not the Valentine you are looking for.") <br />
<br />
This year, the week of our Valentine's celebration started out on a sad note, though. One of our class members had a sudden death in the family and had to travel to attend his grandmother's funeral. He wouldn't be at school for Valentine's Day. We have a community sharing time every day at our school called Pride Time that keeps us relating well to each other as a class in hugely wonderful ways. When I let the class know what was happening at Pride Time, the response overwhelmed me. I expected them to be very concerned for their classmate because this is a particularly closely bonded group of students. What I didn't anticipate was the depths to which that care and concern would impact us all.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
Immediately upon hearing of this, the class decided that they would make sure that all of the Valentine cards for their classmate would be collected so he could have them upon his return. One of the leaders in the class (and there are many, trust me!) stepped up and organized who would make the all-important Valentine mailbox, and then decided that the class would make one large Valentine expressing their sympathy at the loss of their friend's grandmother, and their best wishes that he would be happy again soon. In a matter of moments, there were tasks assigned to bring materials, volunteers recruited to construct the card, and information shared by his closer friends of all the sports teams, animals, and literary choices the child liked so that they could be included in the design of the card. <br />
<br />
I sat back, taking all this in, gratified that I wasn't needed. At all. My class had it covered...completely. The only thing that was needed from me was permission to use morning work and recess time (YES...they gave us their RECESS to do this!) to actually construct the card. It was one of the most glorious moments I can remember having as a teacher. I know that these little people are special, but to see them in action is a beautiful thing to behold. <br />
<br />
Pride Time ended and the day moved forward in its regular rhythm. It wasn't until our mid-morning break that I noticed the intricately folded note on my desk. <br />
<br />
It was in the shape of a pyramid, another by-product of teaching highly creative students. Nothing is ever just halfhearted, not even notes to the teacher. As I carefully unfolded it and read it, I struggled mightily to keep from crying in front of my class. Another classmate wrote this:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><i>"On the card we make for ____, can I include, 'Don't worry they are in a better place,' and 'I know how it feels.' My grandfather just passed away last Saturday, too."</i></b></span></span></blockquote>
The student who wrote that is a quiet child, one who could easily be overlooked unless you specifically make a note to keep your eye on him as a teacher. He doesn't like attention to be drawn to himself, which is likely why he slipped this note onto my desk unnoticed by me and his classmates, and also why neither he nor his parents shared the news of his grandfather's death over the weekend. But he is a deep-feeling person, as is perhaps evidenced by the incredible act of empathy he showed to his classmate. Had he seen me cry, he would have been very upset at having caused my tears, and so I swallowed them down. <br />
<br />
I thought on this for the remainder of the day and when the student left to use the restroom before dismissal, I very quickly and quietly shared with the class that another student also lost a grandparent. I was not at all surprised this time when another leader stepped up and organized creating a card for this classmate, too. It was rather stunning that they did it quietly and in about 2 minutes. Literally. Their genuine care and concern for each other motivates some amazing actions, which perhaps explains how although many of them fail to complete assignments they have hours to do, they can completely and effectively organize a group to donate supplies and provide labor in a matter of 120 seconds!<br />
<br />
The week moved on, the cards were created, one in secret, and then it was finally time to exchange our Valentines with each other. I had wondered how we would do this, and how the very quiet student would handle receiving a card from his friends. When the time came, I decided to let the group together deliver it, since it was their wish for their friend. I gathered them up front and when they were quietly seated, nodded quietly to the leader who organized creating the card. He told his classmate that when the class found out about his grandfather dying, they were sad and wanted to share some love with him, and then presented him with his own card, just like the one he knew they had created for the other classmate. The child at first looked surprised at his classmates' gesture. Then he smiled a beautiful, wide smile...just before he put his head in his hands and cried!<br />
<br />
Had it been a mistake to do this publicly, I wondered in a moment of panic? But then, in a moment I will remember for a lifetime, I watched 26 students get up and literally surround him in a group hug and say things like, "It's OK," and "I cry when I'm sad, too." They made this child feel loved, accepted, and like he mattered. I was very grateful that they were all busy loving on their classmate...because there was absolutely no way to choke back those tears this time! (In fact, a few of the more sensitive kiddos in class were wiping their own eyes a bit, too!)<br />
<br />
The day ended on a happy, celebratory note with our class party and I was very pleased with the outcome. When I opened my work email later that night, I was surprised to get one from this child's mother. She was out of the country at her father's funeral, gathered with her brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles. When he got home, it seems my student face-time messaged her and shared the card. His entire family got to share the love that his classmates sent him! His mother wanted to thank me from the bottom of her heart for taking care of her child and his emotions in her absence. She shared that knowing that he was well loved helped her feel better about being absent while he was grieving at home. I replied that while I do love her son, it was completely his classmates' idea to express their sympathy in this way, and explained the situation that led to them doing so. To which she replied, <b><i>"...but you create the atmosphere in the classroom that makes things like this happen."</i></b><br />
<br />
YES! Yes, I do! THAT is why I teach!!<br />
<br />
Teaching is so much more than dissemination of knowledge. A computer can do that, sometimes far more effectively than I can. No, rather teaching is expert modeling - of how to read fluently, of how to solve real life problems using solid mathematical computation and reasoning, of how to communicate with others effectively in speaking and writing. But at its best, teaching ought to also be modeling for little people how to live life well - how to care for others' needs, sometimes even more than you care for your own, how to make people feel loved and respected, how to be a person who has empathy for those around him. It is envisioning and creating an environment in your classroom where there are high expectations for academic achievement, and even higher ones for living well with each other. <br />
<br />
I am entrusted with this responsibility every single time I walk into the classroom. It's not a part of my job that can be measured well by test scores or even by observing a single lesson that I've taught. But there is still plenty of evidence that I've done it effectively so far this school year. There are 28 little people whose lives are being lived well and making a difference in their world. <br />
<br />
I'm so proud to be their teacher. They are one of my greatest forward moves in life, my magnum opus as it were. The seeds I plant in them for the 180 days is it my privilege to call them my class will bear much, much fruit. In fact, they already are! <br />
<br />
This is why I do what I do. It's far more than a career, or even a calling. It's a passion.<br />
<br />
Moving Forward..<br />
Angie<br />
:-)<br />
<br />
<br />Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-1304720089255047972015-02-07T18:07:00.000-08:002015-02-08T09:23:10.647-08:00This Was A Bigger Deal Than I Knew...Yesterday, I drew the line in the sand and made the decision that today was Day One...a new beginning to reclaiming my fitness...the point at which I would head back to the gym and begin my do-over of the past fifteen months. And I did. And it was hard. Really hard. But it was also a much bigger deal than I anticipated it would be.<br />
<br />
Physically, I wasn't nearly as bad off as I was the first time I stepped in a gym four years ago, despite the fact that I now have one new titanium knee and one old bone-on-bone arthritic knee that's getting its own titanium upgrade in four more months. That was a big surprise for me. In all fairness, I am nowhere near as fit as I was when the knee problems forced me out of the gym back at the end of 2013. But I'm also not nearly as out of shape as I was my first day in a gym in 2011. Those two and a half years of workouts had some residual effects on my body. They also left an imprint on my brain.<br />
<br />
I wanted to get on an elliptical today at the gym to be very friendly to my knees while I did my cardio workout, but they were filled. So I went to the exercise bikes and was able to raise my heart rate enough to hit my own cardio range while I pedaled for half an hour. My knees did surprisingly well, especially the new one. The old one balked and squealed at me, but I ignored its whining and went right on pedaling. Sometimes, you just have to suck it up and do what you have to do, and today was one of those times.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
When cardio was done, I moved on to weight training, deliberately choosing the smallest free weights available. I put my feet shoulder-width apart and picked up the weights for bicep curls. And in this moment, something occurred to me for the first time. <br />
<br />
I knew exactly what to do. Exactly. I knew how to hold those weights, how to curl them so that I isolated my biceps, how to keep my core tight so that I worked it while I was working my arms. It all came back to me. Immediately. There are no words for how good it felt when to realize something monumental in the gym today.<br />
<br />
I'm a workout girl. I am an exerciser.<br />
<br />
It's who I am now. It hasn't been my reality for far too long...but nevertheless, it IS who I am, who I have become. And the realization of that shocked me...and brought me great happiness! <br />
<br />
You see, I've spent a large percentage of my adult life as an obese woman. Not just overweight, because I don't generally ever do things halfway. Nope. Obese. Call it what it rightly is. And for the past few months as I had to face the fact that the weight was coming back on my body with my exercise curtailed and lack of self control in my diet, I've been scared (terrified, really!) that all I ever would be was that obese woman. <br />
<br />
Now, I fully acknowledge and believe that I am FAR more than my weight...but it does tend to define many parts of your life when you're large. There are limits on your existence that you can't even begin to imagine unless you've lived them. From seatbelts on airplanes to lack of options in wardrobe, being obese impacts a person in many ways that are impossible to ignore.<br />
<br />
Being a workout girl, though, changes that picture. Greatly! It gives me the option for a better, different reality, a new outcome. Being a woman who knows how and is committed to exercising to improve her fitness says that I don't have to stay obese just because I have been for 25 years. It gives me a huge dose of HOPE!<br />
<br />
So, in the spirit I've recently adopted of uttering wildly audacious statements that I'm willing to be accountable for, I'm ready to make another one. This realization in the gym today changes everything.<br />
<br />
My move forward will be into a future where I am no longer obese. I am visualizing it right now as I type this, and I am willing and ABLE to do the work that will make that my reality.<br />
<br />
<b><i>I will NOT be an obese woman for the rest of my days. </i></b><br />
<br />
Period. End of discussion. <br />
<br />
All that's left to do is go get that future, and you can bet on me doing that very thing!<br />
<br />
Moving Forward...<br />
Angie<br />
:-)Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-58032119767900141842015-02-06T16:46:00.000-08:002015-02-08T09:30:45.090-08:00When the Direction Isn't Forward...Hello, friends. If you followed my first blog, you will surely remember that much of it was about my experiences in finding myself while I dropped 100 pounds. So, perhaps you'll understand that this blog post is one I never wanted to write.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
At my annual checkup yesterday, I had to face an ugly truth that I've been watching reveal itself in my mirror over the past year or so with no workouts. I've regained 45 of those pounds. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
What do you do when the direction you're moving isn't forward? Part of me wants to hide under my covers and pretend that the past few years haven't happened...to go back to that day in January of 2012 where I hit my biggest goal and felt success like I'd never known and re-do life from that point forward. I want to rewrite those intervening years so that there would be no debilitating knee pain and subsequent knee replacement and no family fraying at the edges. There would be easy-going and forward-moving gains in my overall health, my weight would still be dropping, and all would be right with the world.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But then there's this part of me that is firmly grounded in reality. And in all honesty, that's the girl who needs to respond to this. She's the one I found on that <a href="http://journeytoangie.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Journey to Me</a> ..and she's the only one who is going to turn this around and get me moving in the right direction again. </div>
<div>
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
<div>
You see, what I discovered inside myself while losing that weight is a woman who is really quite strong...capable...fiercely determined. SHE is the one who will take on the challenge of reclaiming her health, not the old Angie who wants to hide from her issues. Hiding is what put those 328 pounds on me in the first place. It won't be avoiding the truth- or excusing it- that gets me moving in the right direction on the scale and in life again. Nope. It's going to take honesty and strength.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So...in the spirit of full disclosure...I'm giving notice now. It's time. I know who I am. I know what I can do. And friends...<b style="font-style: italic;">it's ON!</b> </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This isn't just about losing those regained pounds. This is about reclaiming the person I want to be and the life I want to have. Every part of it. The weight I carry on my frame is more than just a measure of the pull of gravity on my body. It is the outward, visible representation of the pull of life on my spirit...it's the baggage I've been hauling around emotionally and spiritually that I need to let go. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Because I value transparency and accountability, I'm going to keep you updated, perhaps on the first blog...maybe on this one. I haven't decided yet. But you can trust that tomorrow, I will be in the gym for my first workout in about 15 months. It won't be easy, and it surely won't be like the workouts I was used to prior to my knees taking me out of the gym. But it's time to count on the new knee to hold me (and to carefully use up whatever I've got left of the old knee that will be replaced in June) and it's time to push myself again. It's very humbling after working so hard to build my fitness to have lost it and have to enter a gym as a newbie again. But the wondrous thing about physical fitness is, it can be regained, and you can believe that I will. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div>
That 100 pounds I lost a few years ago was really only the beginning. It's time to finish the task God and I set out to do back then...to finish peeling back the layers that I've used to hide my heart and become who He made me to be. No apologies, no excuses, no looking back. FORWARD is the word God gave me this year, and it's time to get moving in that direction. I hope you'll stick around and see how this plays out!</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Moving Forward...</div>
<div>
Angie</div>
<div>
:-)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-57940314989894010422015-01-30T17:21:00.000-08:002015-02-08T09:23:56.352-08:00All's Well That Ends Well...***SPOILER ALERT*** If you have NOT watched the series finale of Parenthood and still want to...you may want to watch it first and read this blog post later...because I'm gonna talk about it!!!<br />
<br />
If you're still here...welcome! I had the most incredible time last night gathering with about 15 other women and watching the last Parenthood episode ever. I can't remember ever gathering with people like this to watch a television program any other time in my life, except perhaps a sporting event. Thank you so much to Joanne and Bridget for thinking of it and hosting us all!<br />
<br />
It was so refreshing to see other women just as touched as I was by this program and to have the opportunity to share our knowledge of it (Yes, I won a prize!) and support each other through our tears (Yes, there were many!) I was sorry when the show ended, but also sorry the evening itself ended. There is power in the sharing, I think...we collectively grieved our loss and were able to move forward. I love that about us as females...we do this emotional honesty thing really well most times!<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
After my last blog post, I have to admit that I was more than a little hesitant to watch the series finale of Parenthood last night, whether on my own or with a group. Admittedly, I was not a fan of the reuniting of Joel and Julia because of how unrealistic that outcome and their ongoing relationship felt to me based on my own experiences in marriage. As we entered the show last night, I wondered how the writers would resolve not only the whole series, but that one family in particular. I will admit that I was very, very pleasantly surprised, honestly. I truly did come away from the finale happy and here's why.<br />
<br />
As I reflect, I believe the theme of last night's show was resolution and moving forward. THAT really resonated with me...that's my word this year, for those new to the blog. I'm pressing on, moving forward in life intentionally, rather than staying in the holding pattern I've been in for a while now. And it was very clear, from the first moments of last night's episode, moving forward and wrapping up were going to carry the day. <br />
<br />
When Joel and Julia got the call about Victor's biological mother giving birth to a daughter - their adopted son's sister - and were given the choice to adopt her as well, I was pleasantly surprised by their initial response. They opted to work on their marriage, strengthen it and not stress it by adding the arduous task of parenting a newborn in that mix. That was a huge step into reality in my opinion...reuniting after being apart takes a LOT of work, hard work. Adding anything to that is difficult enough, much less something like a new baby! Eventually they did take the baby, but by the time that happened, my heart had softened. <br />
<br />
And perhaps that was what I most needed last night...to soften my heart. You see, in my experience, problems in marriage are hard to bear day after day. Not every day is hard or bad. Many days are actually quite normal and low key, and on those days, you can easily recall the carefree days you used to have before the new reality of overwhelming stress in your marriage took over your existence. But even on the good days, and especially on the hard ones, there is always this program running in the background of your mind that requires a great deal of your internal operating system's memory and power to run, to borrow an analogy from my techie friends. That program fills your head and heart with silent messages such as, "<i>Your marriage is hard right now. It's going to be a long time until you're happy again. Don't get too excited about these little successes. You still have a lot of hard work ahead</i>."<br />
<br />
And so you harden your heart, lower your expectations for happiness, and trudge on to start tackling the things you need to day to day. You take life in short chunks of time and forget to hope for anything more or better. It's survival mode at its ugly best. At least, that's my own experience. You don't look too far ahead, you don't worry about long range problems...you dig in and do the work that needs to be done to make one day at a time a win. It's sometimes a very emotionless existence, because if you let yourself, you could be completely swallowed by the depth of emotion that comes from having trouble in your primary life relationship, and then you'd never get anything accomplished...like the dishes, the laundry, your job. Heart hardening is an unwanted and unseen byproduct that can creep into your life while you're trying to survive. <br />
<br />
Last night, though, was all about perspective. When life and death are on the line, what truly matters...and what doesn't. It was a triumph of hope, resolution, and moving forward. Seeing the entire family together and happy at Sarah and Hank's wedding, despite their ongoing fear for Zeek's health...the stress and hurt between Adam and Crosby...Joel and Julia's fledgling marriage...it just screamed priorities to me. There are some things in life that matter far more than others. When Zeek died shortly thereafter, although we didn't get to see anyone's reaction except for Camille, I can imagine that the Bravermans were completely rocked to the core. But the end...oh, the end!<br />
<br />
The baseball game...the scenes of happy families in celebrations and everyday life a few years on...it was clear. The Bravermans chose hope. They chose moving forward. All of them. Including Joel and Julia. The happy shot of them with not three, but four, happy children during the closing song made me smile and softened my heart further still. They won. They presumably did the hard work in those intervening years and they were finally...FINALLY...happy. I'll admit, I shed a few tears at that scene! (I did cry at lot harder when Adam the headmaster graduated his son from high school...but you'd probably expect that given who I am, right?!?!)<br />
<br />
I think that's what I forget most while traveling my own road - that actually doing the hard work that needs to be done eventually <i>does</i> make change happen. For so long, I feel like I've been stalled. Stagnant. That's part of why my word "forward" means so much to me. It requires me to keep pressing in to what God is doing in my life, rather than sitting back and withdrawing and allowing life happen around me without intentionally engaging with God and asking Him to make my path clear and straight like He promises to do when we trust Him. Last night's finale was a reminder that moving forward is where you find your happiness, your purpose, and your future. I could handle a little of that!<br />
<br />
And so, all's well that ends well. Parenthood has been an amazing show. And my life has been an amazing ride so far. I have every hope that it will continue to be as I keep on pressing in and...<br />
<br />
Moving Forward...<br />
Angie<br />
:-)<br />
<br />
<br />Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-21158180782870150332015-01-23T17:10:00.000-08:002015-02-08T09:24:10.390-08:00Joel and Julia...Another PerspectiveHello...it's been a while! In the past 10 days, I've been dealing with bronchitis, laryngitis, and a slight sinus infection. Add to it a rough bout with Mother Nature this past week and her perimenopausal madness, and I've really had a time of it lately. I've been coughing, moaning, and generally wishing I had a new body for so long that I don't remember what it's like to feel healthy anymore! But I didn't come here to whine (much!). I've actually used the "down" time to do some thinking about the meatier issues I'm in the midst of in my journey and I wanted to stay accountable for my moving forward and share them.<br />
<br />
A television program that I have loved for many years is ending its run next week. "Parenthood" on NBC was a quick hit with me because of how it dealt with a couple parenting a child who is on the autism spectrum, something I deal with as a teacher on a daily basis, but have never had the experience of living with 24/7. (Why that actor has never won an Emmy for his spot-on portrayal of Max Braverman is beyond me...he's SPECTACULAR! But I digress...) <br />
<br />
Another reason I love the show is that over the years, Parenthood has tackled some of the meatier issues in marriage through the lens of the relationships between its main characters. Camille and Zeek growing apart over time due to lack of shared interests and poor communication was particularly poignant. Adam and Kristina dealing with serious illness...wow! Most of the time, I feel they are realistic, rather than always looking for the fairy tale ending. Sarah and Crosby and their relationships and (now) marriages are just a hot mess...but isn't that how life really is?!?<br />
<br />
One of the marriages and its particular set of crises hit close to home for me, though. Joel and Julia. I know this program is fiction...and I do remind myself of this often so I can keep perspective...but these two have run the gamut of emotional upheaval over the past few seasons, and I can very much identify with that! It's been a bit cathartic for me to see them work this out, actually. But it may surprise you to hear that I'm not a real fan of how this story line is ending (the two of them are getting back together after nearly divorcing). Let me explain by sharing some of my own journey in life and marriage.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
Many of you know that my husband and I have been married for almost 27 years. Several of you know that we also spent a year apart, questioning God's plan for our lives and marriage a few years ago after some particularly painful and difficult experiences that shook us both to the core. That one-on-one time I spent with God at the lowest point of my life helped me grow more as Christian, a woman, a human being, than any other time I can remember. I tackled issues of self-esteem, body image, my roles as a wife and mother, just to name a few. A few things have been resolved, many are still a work in progress. I still struggle to find answers, but the wrestling I did with God in that year has profoundly changed me at a values/beliefs level and impacted my outlook on issues that may be somewhat unexpected for those who know me. <br />
<br />
That 12 months apart from my marriage was very intense. And that's not a bad thing. I can't go so far to say that I recommend it for all my married friends, but I will be honest and say that it wasn't all tears (though there were plenty!) and hurt (though there was much!). In fact, in some ways, I actually miss the closeness I had with God in those days where it was just Him and me. The Bible is very true when it says that God is close to the brokenhearted. Based on my own experience, I believe that we know His nearness in those times at a deeper level because we are keenly attuned to His presence when we are completely dependent upon it. It's not that He wasn't there all along - we simply took it for granted. We sometimes acknowledge with our head His omnipresence, but fail to embrace His constant presence in our spirits as we go about our lives. Desert times force our hands and move us to our knees, where we have a loving, comforting God who opens His arms and carries us when our own strength isn't nearly enough to make due.<br />
<br />
One of the issues I faced head on with God while dealing with the train wreck my marriage had become was the question of <b>divorce</b>. I believe this is a particularly difficult concept for Jesus followers to tackle because it forces us to examine things we'd (I'd!) rather leave untouched. Is it a sin to divorce your spouse? Does God truly hate divorce? If I divorce, am I somehow less of a Christian because I gave up on God working the miracle that only He could to save my marriage? Will God ever allow me to remarry, or do I have to remain single and penitent the rest of my days, wearing my own version of the scarlet letter in the house of God, where so many who know so little about my journey have no problem seeing and interpreting it harshly through their own lens?<br />
<br />
I've asked these questions and wondered what the answers might be. I still do, actually.<br />
<br />
I am a child of divorce. Multiple divorces, actually, from both of my parents. It was quite a stigma in a family where it hadn't happened often (or at all in the case of my mother's side of the family!). It was also responsible for making me the odd girl out with most of my friends because they lived for the most part in 2-parent families. I won't say they lived HAPPILY in those families...but they had parents who chose to stay together, and I didn't. There was a profound difference in our life experiences because of this.<br />
<br />
I am intimately acquainted with the byproducts of divorce, both the difficult consequences and the blessings. Sure, there are the well-documented emotional pains that have to be endured as a child of divorce (though if you look at the "does poorly in school" prediction, I have to say I blew that one out of the water!) But, there are also some positive consequences that are largely ignored. Yes, there are actually blessings that come directly as a result of your parents dissolving their marriage, no matter what any psychologist may want to tell you. <br />
<br />
Not only do I have wonderful relationships with amazing people in my life that I wouldn't have had access to without my parents' divorce (Love you, Mac!), but I also have a resiliency of spirit that is a positive consequence of navigating the sometimes difficult terrain of my childhood. That has served me well as an adult. Do I wish my parents had stayed married? As a child, I dreamed it nightly and begged for it. As an adult, I understand that there are elemental parts of my character that were formed in those hard times and I do not regret having to endure them. It's simply the path my life took to bring me where I am now.<br />
<br />
Dealing with God on the question of divorce with my own marriage, though, is difficult. Not WAS difficult. IS difficult. Ongoing. <br />
<br />
Now we enter that place where my views may not be in sync with what you'd expect from me, but I'm sharing them anyway and for a purpose that I'll get to later, I promise. I don't mean to offend, and I am sorry if this does. I don't mean to make light of the eternal commitment that marriage is. I understand it completely, trust me. In fact, I'd argue that I may understand it at a deeper level than someone who has not walked my path. Go with me on this and give me a chance to explain please.<br />
<br />
Perhaps because I came from a childhood that was touched by divorce, or just because I was a doe-eyed, 21 year old girl marrying the man of her dreams, I made a promise to myself that when I married it was forever. Period. Nothing would ever cause me to end my marriage. Divorce was not an option. Staying married was non-negotiable. You probably made those promises to yourself, too. We will not ever mention the "D-word" in this house.<br />
<br />
Yet, I've been so very close to that precipice of divorce. I've had to look right over the edge of that cliff and make the call of whether I was going to free fall into it or stand my ground shakily on the ledge. Every marriage has that ledge. If you haven't found yours, you will. I promise you. You may not find yours in the manner that I found mine, but you will come to the point where you question everything you thought you knew about yourself as a woman, a wife, a Jesus girl. The question then becomes what will you do when you encounter it? <br />
<br />
Here's what I did. I begged God to let me divorce my husband. And I mean begged. I wanted to be done with the pain, done with the ripping to shreds of my self esteem, done with the questioning and uncertainty that would continue to be part of my marriage if I stayed in it. Just done. The girl who swore divorce was not an option actually begged God for release from her vows with a clean slate and a new start. It was not my shiniest moment as human, I don't suppose, wailing on my knees before God - but it was real, sometimes far more real than the face that I show the world every day of a woman who has it pretty much together, living a successful life.<br />
<br />
And God said not yet.<br />
<br />
This is critical, my friends. God said NOT YET. This is where I think that wrestling with Him has changed me. In my spirit, I know that I heard this message from Him. Clearly. Not yet.<br />
<br />
I have a new understanding about marriage that I didn't have prior to this struggle. Yes, I fully understand the Biblical construct of marriage. The two become one - inseparable. Until death us do part - that's the promise we make. As Jesus girls, we go into marriage with the idea that we will NEVER divorce, we don't allow it to be an option. And I did that, too. I WANTED that! But it was not - is not - my reality.<br />
<br />
Marriage exists in a fallen world, just as we do. Marriage as God designed it was surely meant to be an eternal commitment, just as our bodies were made for eternity before sin entered the world and corrupted that. Marriages can become corrupted, too, by so many, many things. They are often so far from the relationship that God intended when he created marriage. Can He redeem and restore a marriage...ABSOLUTELY! Does He want to? YES!!! Does He hate divorce? As much as He hates sin and its consequences in His creation. Is it unforgivable to divorce your spouse? No. Not at all.<br />
<br />
We beat ourselves up as Jesus girls sometimes when we even consider divorce. I did. I used to, more correctly. I don't any longer. I'm not begging God for release from my marriage anymore, because He's brought me a LONG way from that day on my knees sobbing my heart out to Him. But I'm also not absolutely sure that it won't one day happen. What I AM is far more attuned to the work that God is doing in me THROUGH my marriage, and I am willing to let Him do the work He wants to do in my life. I choose to yield to Him, trust Him, and let Him have the space in my heart to renew and change it. And right now, that's happening within my marriage relationship.<br />
<br />
I'm aware that it's not a popular position to say that I don't know if I'm going to stay in this marriage forever. I understand that. Perhaps we judge each other harshly on this, though. Maybe there is this place in the back of our minds that fears that one day it could be us in this place, staring down what we swore we'd never do. I certainly never imagined myself here...but here I am. Friends, we need to stop doing that...stop looking in from the outside and questioning the judgment and faith of our friends...and that's why I'm sharing my experience on this so openly. <br />
<br />
We need to be real...and we need to love each other, the way God wants us to as His dearly loved children. Yes, there are lovely, wonderful moments in marriage. Good marriages have loads and loads of those. But every marriage is work...hard work...and it takes two partners who are willing to work it out together with God guiding each of them. You and I both know - that doesn't always happen. We need to be OK saying our marriages aren't perfect because we are not perfect and we screw them up with multiple bad decisions. We need to not pretend that marriage is a fairy tale that always has a happy ending, and we need to stop beating up our already-hurting friends when the ending they choose is divorce.<br />
<br />
This is where I wish the Joel and Julia story in "Parenthood" had taken the different turn. I am not glorifying divorce as the best alternative to hurting, but I do believe that the issues that separated Joel and Julia are weightier and far more complex than they had the opportunity to explore as fictional characters. And sadly, it is those gut-wrenching, difficult to overcome problems that are often the ones that sink marriages. In some ways, I like seeing them together, working it out, because it offers hope that the hard work can actually be done, that no marriage is ever so far gone that it can't be redeemed. But really, they are not even scratching the surface of what Joel and Julia face ahead of them in restoring that relationship, and that's a shame. I'd have far rather them end this series with this marriage up in the air and struggling, rather than showing them smiling and sharing the same bed again. THAT would feel more real to me.<br />
<br />
Please note that even if it may come across differently, I am in NO WAY encouraging myself or any of my friends who are also facing some tough times in marriage to consider divorce as their first and best option and to use it as an "easy out" to go find their personal path to future happiness. Not at all! I haven't been divorced myself, but I have watched quite a few happen. The path to happiness doesn't easily run through a divorce! You've got to do a lot of hard soul-searching and recalculating to get on that path to joy after a marriage dissolves. Happiness, though, really isn't the goal of marriage...or divorce. <br />
<br />
What I believe about marriage is that it is an intimate relationship, mirroring Christ and the church, and that God uses it to transform us into the image of His Son, which is His ultimate purpose in our lives, whether we are married or not. We learn more about how to love as Jesus loved when we are married...mostly because it is sorely tested on a daily basis! I believe God desires for marriage to be permanent, and that He divinely holds marriages together in ways we cannot begin to fathom. <br />
<br />
But I also believe that we as people sometimes screw marriage up so badly by infesting it with sin, as it is our nature to do, that we leave no room for God to do His work in our lives via that relationship any longer. In those times, I do believe that God let's us move on. Does he "bless" divorce? No...but He blesses His children, those who are married, those who are single, and yes, those who are divorced.<br />
<br />
Ultimately, at the end of our year apart, my husband and I each decided that God was not done with the work He was doing in our lives through our marriage and we moved back together about 18 months ago to give Him space to keep working. Life is not wine and roses. We are not Joel and Julia. Far from it! <br />
<br />
Some of the key issues that separated us have been dealt with and resolved, praise God! Many have not. Some days are happy and fun! Many are not. There are days when I still look up to God and say, "Why are we doing this?" And then I wait - listen for His answer. That is the difference in me, and it is directly attributable to my time of wrestling with God for years over this issue. I listen and wait. Sometimes, more patiently than others, admittedly. But I'm here...and I'm listening.<br />
<br />
Ultimately, I try to have faith that God's purposes for me will prevail, whether I remain married or not. I don't want to carelessly toss away a 27-year relationship where God has done a lot of growing in me, unless I truly believe that He is allowing me to move on...and that it is a move FORWARD for me, not merely a retreat from the pain and suffering that come along with this marriage at times.<br />
<br />
So...there you have it. My last word is simply this. Love each other. And then love some more. Let your love lead you to support and pray for and with your friends who have difficult marriages. It's hard to be this girl, trust me. Life doesn't wrap up as neatly as the writers of "Parenthood" make it appear when they wrote these gut-wrenching scenes to end this ground-breaking television series. But life is good...and real...and it moves forward. <br />
<br />
Moving forward...<br />
Angie<br />
:-)Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-56378877284101504612015-01-13T17:17:00.000-08:002015-02-08T09:31:09.653-08:00This Teacher Got Schooled Today...God surely has a sense of humor. He must, because that's the only reason I can think of why He'd allow a woman who thinks she still has something to say to completely lose her voice for a few days! LOL! Yup...I have complete laryngitis! I may have something to say...but I have no way to actually SAY it! Go figure!<br />
<br />
But today, I discovered something thought-provoking and challenging in my move forward this year that I may have easily overlooked had I been in full voice. <br />
<br />
Yesterday, I took off work because teachers with no voices to actually <i>teach</i> with are not in high demand these days, and I figured a sick day for me and a substitute teacher for them was a better bet for my kiddos. But today, I braved it with the little squeak of a voice that I could muster because I know that my kiddos are heading into a big research project with a ton of new and useful skills to learn for their long-term success as students, and I actually am the best one to lead that right now - even with a small voice - not a substitute. The thing I forgot is that teaching without a voice is HARD!<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
I told a friend earlier tonight that I was exhausted because I can usually teach on auto-pilot, but today, that was just not an option. And reflecting on that later is when it hit me. I really probably shouldn't EVER do that. <br />
<br />
Here's the deal...I've been doing the job I do for 27 years this year, and I wouldn't trade one minute of it for any other career. Teaching is in my blood. It's my passion, and I consider it a true privilege to be able to impact the lives of these kiddos of mine and their families. But there are times when, because I'm not really a "newbie" any longer, that I can somewhat just show up and do it. Not really put a lot of thought into it and just somewhat "dial it in". And maybe...just maybe...I do that a little too often (*shameful blush*)!<br />
<br />
Today, I had to be creative. I had to innovate. I didn't have a choice! There wasn't much I could do today in the way I normally might do it. Ever try to get 28 kids' attention with no voice? Yeah...you can clap. You can turn off the lights. But then what? Well, as it turns out, you can whisper. You can stare them down. You can gesture at them. I did all those things today, and then some! Need to teach a bunch of upper elementary kiddos, who are still relatively novice readers and writers all things considered, how to do actual research on a historical figure, how to discern which information from their online resources will add great benefit to their essays, and which is information is not quite on point for the statement they're trying to make? That's hard WITH a voice...but today, I did it pretty well without much of one. Intentional grouping...strong modeling...I'd say it was one of the more successful lessons I've led in a while!<br />
<br />
Now, there is definitely something to be said for being experienced, knowing your job, and doing it efficiently and well. But there is also something to be learned from the days where, for whatever reason, you can't do your job as you normally would, where the routine you're used to just won't work. In any career, we need to be on our toes, I think, and guard against becoming stale and routine. Rather, we should take time to innovate once in a while. Think outside of the box every now and then. Refuse to settle for being good, when we can truly rise to the level of greatness with just a little more effort. <br />
<br />
If I did this more frequently - tossed the regular routine and jumped outside of my comfortable, safe box - my students would be the first and greatest beneficiaries...but so would my colleagues, the families of my students, and really - me! You see, I am now at home exhausted...but happy. I don't have a voice, but I have a full heart. Today was a GOOD day! <br />
<br />
So...I'm already in my nightgown...I'm getting ready to drink some Sleepy Time tea and have a well-earned rest. (And really, I could stand a bit of snow to make my day tomorrow start a little later!) But all in all...today can't be called anything but a productive, really good day. Definitely a move forward in a year when it's my focus. I never quite know how that's going to happen, but I'm glad that today surprised me. Forward in my career, after 27 years. Who would've guessed it?! Good night, friends...<br />
<br />
Moving forward...<br />
Angie<br />
:-)Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-39330288947591121742015-01-12T15:26:00.000-08:002015-02-08T09:31:29.061-08:00Call It What It Is...And Then Deal With It!This won't be surprising to those of you who've known me for a while, but there's something I want. I want it badly. And I've been working toward it for a long time, without yet having the breakthrough and success I'm looking for.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want to be a published author.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And today, I've decided what's holding me back, keeping me writing but saving to the massive quantity of finished pieces of work on my hard drive, rather than submitting them to be published.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm scared.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Terrified, really.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Why? I don't want to be rejected. These things I write are pieces of my heart...and I don't know if I can take the "Thank you for your submission, but your work is not something our company has an interest in publishing at this time..." letter.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I feel like my move forward today was calling it what it is. I can't deal with it unless I admit it, right? But how DO I deal with it?</div>
<div>
<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
It's actually a much bigger problem for me in my life than I've ever been willing to see before now. There are many other times and decisions in my life where I've also been scared to risk it, but somehow, I've found the courage and put it on the line and went for it. I am always genuinely surprised by situations that work out the way I hoped they would! <br />
<br />
I'm naturally a pretty upbeat, positive person when it comes to life - but not so much about myself. When it comes to evaluating myself, I tend to be my own worst critic. No, I'll never get selected. My work isn't good enough. Who would read my novel? I feed myself these statements ALL THE TIME!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But today, I'm asking myself why? Why do I always assume that I'm not good enough? And really - does it matter what <i>I</i> think or not? If I'm going to be a published author, at some point, it's going to be someone else's judgment of my skill as a writer that matters...not my own, right?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I think overall I need to have a healthier, more balanced view of myself. I tend to assume in any situation that I'm not enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not fit enough. Not thin enough. Not strong enough. Not determined enough. Just not enough! </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Why is that? Low self-esteem? Yes - a life long struggle of mine that I still battle, even though I've made many gains in this area the past few years. But the more I chew on this in preparation for actually submitting a piece of my writing to a publisher, the more I see it's not just a low self-esteem. It's the fear of failure.</div>
<div>
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
<div>
One of the things that I have hung my hat on my whole life is that I very seldom fail. I'm smart...but I only play the games I think I have a shot at winning. I'm a good teacher...but I don't teach subjects or grade levels that I think I don't do well (like Kindergarten...dear God...NO!). I play it safe, almost always.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I just don't want to anymore. I want to be the girl who takes the chance, win or lose. I want to be shamelessly BOLD...there's that word again...AUDACIOUS! I'm starting to become her in some areas of my life...and I'm liking the outcome. But am I really ready to risk a huge dream? I don't know. I just don't know. And that is how I've come to the place where you find me right now. Circling. Roaming around in my mind, instead of moving forward.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Forward can't be my word this year if I'm going to choose to sit still and paralyze myself with fear. And the only way I'm moving this year is definitely forward! So, it's time to get this fear behind me and march on. I'll just make it up as I go, I guess. Because I am most DEFINITELY GOING!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Moving forward...</div>
<div>
Angie</div>
<div>
:-)</div>
Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-33933110963577026132015-01-06T09:05:00.001-08:002015-02-08T09:32:02.336-08:00Music Reaches Me...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I've loved music for as long as I can remember. My first radio was a little AM/FM receiver tucked inside a stuffed cocker spaniel dog. I'd turn on the radio at night and snuggle up and listen to song after song laying in my bed, memorizing lyrics and falling asleep to 70's rock tunes from my favorite radio station. I'm not sure how many 9-volt batteries I wore out with that little puppy...</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
My first concert was an amazing experience - for many reasons! It was here I first discovered that hearing music live is possibly one of the most incredible things you can do in life. I don't care how good recording technology gets, hearing Journey and their (former) lead singer, Steve Perry, sing "Open Arms" live will trump it every time! (I'm certain he was singing straight to me...it was my 16th birthday, after all!) </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Whatever I'm facing in life, there's a song that can tell my story. There's not really a genre that I can say I don't listen to from time to time, but contemporary Christian music is probably what feeds my soul more than just about any other right now on my journey. And I came across this song the other day when my iTunes were on shuffle.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>"Can anybody hear me? </i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>The silence is deafening. </i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>Why do You feel so far away </i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>When I know You're here with me</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>But I just need the faith to see</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>Nothing can separate me from Your love..."</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/XT0O4s2XoXo?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
Oh, Lord...how I needed to hear that! I can't possibly tell you how many times in the past few years (days!) I have screamed this out to God.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>Where are You?</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><br /></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>Why am I going through this?</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><br /></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>Can't You stop this?</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><br /></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>Do You still love me...or have I truly become as unlovable as I feel?</b></i></div>
<br />
Music reaches me, though...and today, Meredith Andrews sang my truth. The silence may be deafening, but I know He can see me. I know He loves me. I know He is for me, not against me. And I know that the best part of my life is still to come. My friend (who's an incredible musician in her own right!) says all the time that you need to sing your victory. With Nikki and Meredith's words in my ears, I tend to believe that is possible...and act on it.<br />
<br />
So, you'll excuse me while I wrap up this blog post. I need to take some time to belt out a few nuggets of truth to break me out of the funk I've found myself in lately. I actually have a decent singing voice, but even if I didn't, these songs are coming from a place deeper than my throat. It's time for my heart to sing again...<br />
<br />
Moving Forward...<br />
Angie :-)Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-58883140841684987422015-01-03T17:06:00.000-08:002015-02-08T09:32:28.089-08:00Have the Conversations that Need to Be Had...Today, I had the absolute joy and privilege of being taken to breakfast by a dear, dear friend. We've only known each other well for a few years, but "Sis" is how we refer to each other, and it's very accurate because we truly are family - the kind that you choose for yourself, not the kind you're born into.<br />
<br />
As we sat by a warm fire and enjoyed each other's company, catching each other up on the little things, the conversation eventually took a God-ordained turn and veered into deeper, bigger things. How are you really? What's God doing in your life? Those kinds of things...the very things this blog is about, actually. <br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
Now, usually, being in the middle of a restaurant is enough to keep me a little quiet, but not today. Today, I opened the door and shared the joys and burdens of my heart with my friend, knowing that I could trust her with them - that she would love me, advise me, support me, and pray for me. She didn't let me down. She never does. What a privilege to have her in my life!<br />
<br />
It occurs to me tonight as I reflect on the day that there are too many times I fail to have the conversations I need to have. I needed this today. Truly, truly needed it. But I've needed it for a while...and haven't had it. It's not due to a shortage of people that would listen to me. I'm actually quite blessed in that regard. <br />
<br />
No, it's more that I tend to put off the "big" issues...hoping that they'll resolve themselves, go away quietly, not require me to be vulnerable. It's part of the reason that I tend to take a long time to make hard decisions and why I sometimes roam in circles in life, rather than move forward. I ignore things that shouldn't be ignored simply because I don't always want to do the thinking, praying, and talking needed to resolve them.<br />
<br />
My forward move today was to choose to have the conversation that needed to be had. Nothing is magically fixed because my friend and I chatted honestly and deeply. In fact, the journey is a little more confusing in some ways. But there is no doubt that this was the step forward that I needed. It's not always easy to open yourself and examine what's inside. It's sometimes pretty ugly. But how is it that I can move forward if I don't acknowledge where I actually am? Surely that has to be a good first step. I'm hoping so.<br />
<br />
Moving Forward...<br />
Angie :-)Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-15194302264322531482015-01-02T15:18:00.001-08:002015-02-08T09:32:43.338-08:00The Audacity of Hope...Audacity. Shameless boldness. Daring, with confident or arrogant disregard for conventional wisdom or other restrictions.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I've never really considered hope audacious, but perhaps it truly is.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You see, I'm hoping for some changes this year in my life as I concentrate on moving forward. I've undertaken the task of examining my life - where I am, what I've accomplished as a wife, mother, daughter, professional, and perhaps more importantly, where I want to go and what I want to do with the time I've got left in this life. I make no bones any longer about facing midlife head on and asking myself the difficult questions. I'm generally happy and fairly settled in my life at this point, but there are these nagging unfulfilled goals and dreams that keep eating away at me. It's time to do actually DO something about them...and it may well take some audacity to get them accomplished.</div>
<div>
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
<div>
In Spanish, the verbs "to hope" and "to wait" are actually translated as the same word - esperar. I like the concept that to hope is to patiently wait with a positive expectation that what you hope for will actually happen. But sometimes, I think it's necessary to be a little bit more shamelessly bold about your hopes and work toward accomplishing them, and I believe that I am there in my journey. With the commitment this year to focus on taking my journey intentionally forward, I think it's time to have some audacity as I hope - to be willing to take some risks in order to see some dreams happen. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Take my novel, for example. I've been a writer for as long as I remember, and have a few finished novels sitting on my hard drive (and on some external drives, too...just in case the computer crashes!). Will this be the year that I finally become audacious and work to get them published? Or better yet - will I just publish them myself, with some "arrogant disregard for conventional wisdom and other restrictions"? I hope that at the end of the year, the answer to these questions is yes, 2015 was the year that Angie became audacious...and a published author! That is one of the bigger goals that has yet to be accomplished, but there are others. Some of them are relational, others professional. All of them are still out there, waiting for me to make the decision to go for it - or not. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Being audacious means risking failure, which has generally held me back from audacity for most of my life. I've never really embraced failure. In fact, I very often have loathed it. I've never truly understood that failure gets you closer to success, but it's coming into focus for me as I read and study more. Failing means I'm out there...doing something! And at this point, I wonder if it's finally true for me that doing something, even if it fails, is more worthwhile than risking nothing? </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So, with all due respect to our current president, from whom I'm stealing the phrase...I have decided that I WILL have the Audacity of Hope in 2015. This year, I will back up my positive expectation with some shameless boldness and work toward some of these dreams and goals. Who knows how it will all come out? But I can't help but believe that it will bring me more satisfaction than frustration along the way. Either way, it's time for me to DO SOMETHING.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Moving forward...</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Angie :-)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5055900526639170173.post-54614586475181398972015-01-01T09:14:00.000-08:002015-02-08T09:32:59.013-08:00Moving Forward...Welcome to 2015, Friends! And welcome to my new blog! I am by far not the only person beginning (or in my case continuing) a blogger's journey today, but I'm glad you're taking the time to stop by my neighborhood as you make your rounds. Thanks! Short of making new year's resolutions and beginning health improvement campaigns, writing a blog post may be one of the most undertaken tasks of the day today. I'd be remiss if I bypassed the opportunity to add my voice to the cacophony!<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Last year, I tried focusing on one word for the entire year and seeing how that word would play out in my life. The word for last year was "create". I spent 2014 looking for ways to express and ignite my creativity and was rewarded with many new creations - new relationships, new skills, new passions, and even new writings. The novel I wrote is in its final stages...I think...and I'm busy acting, script writing, and doing life with people I have come to love dearly. A very creative 2014 for sure!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This year, after meditating on it for a good while, I decided that my word of the year will be "<b>forward</b>". I chose this word as my focus for 2015 because it's a direction that I often neglect. At times, I just roam...aimlessly...without much thought for what comes next. There are days when that's fun, but there are nights when the lack of focus keeps me awake, wondering what I'm missing...hoping it's nothing vital, but fearing that it is. So for 2015, my aim is to intentionally move my life forward. I don't know what that will bring, but I hope that at the end of the year, I'll be able to reflect and discover that 2015 was just as monumental in terms of growth and satisfaction as 2014 was for me.</div>
<div>
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
<div>
A little "Angie 101" to get us started...I process things in my life best by writing about them. Blogging is a very natural fit for me when there is something I want or need to focus on in my life. I "Journeyed to Myself" on my last blog, rather successfully, I think. I found the person I lost somewhere along the way on my journey in life, and I began the process of knowing her and loving her. That is something I still undertake daily as I continue to work toward emotional, physical, and spiritual wholeness and wellness. I'm much farther along that path now than when my first blog began, though there are still miles to forge ahead of me. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This blog will be a compass on the next journey in my life...the journey forward. I'm now in the midst of midlife with all its questions, musings, and uncertainties. Has my life gone as I hoped it would? What is still to come? Have my best days passed me by or are they truly ahead of me...and how far ahead of me might they be? Am I living intentionally and on purpose, and if not, why not and how do I correct that? These are the questions that wake me up at night...along with the infernal need to empty my ever-shrinking bladder (another joy of midlife for us ladies!). My plan is to use this blog to document this part of my journey, to be accountable to myself for actually moving forward...making decisions that matter...trying new things. If I also occasionally use it to vent about the lesser-known joys of midlife, well...it IS my blog after all! You'll forgive me...or you'll move on. Either way, I'm good!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So, again...thanks for stopping by my neighborhood in the blogosphere. I hope it's one that you'll frequent often. The welcome mat is always out for you. Pull up a chair and join the conversation. I hope we'll all find that I still have something that's worth saying...</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Moving forward...</div>
<div>
Angie :-)</div>
Angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155134213128405386noreply@blogger.com0