When You Don't Have It All Together...

It's been a while since I've blogged.  It's been a while since I've felt like I had anything to say, actually.  Somewhat ironic considering the title of my blog is I've Still Got Something To Say!

I'm one of those people who has always been pretty transparent.  I figure this journey of life is meant to be shared and that we can learn amazing things from each other if we are brave and bold enough to share our stories.  But what I normally share is when I've had some brilliant insight, an epiphany of sorts.  It doesn't have to be a victory that brings that kind of learning, though I've shared plenty of those along the path.  Typically, those kinds of insights come from the lows, actually - not the highs.  I write about my life to process internally what's happening in and to me and then share it in case other people can benefit from it, too.  I usually write after I have it all together.

And maybe that's why I haven't been writing a lot in the past year.  I don't have it all together.  And I don't like admitting that.  I surely don't like living it, but admitting that just now feels like admitting defeat, and I don't do defeat very well.

For as happy as I generally am, I can also be pretty intense.  That comes from being an over-achiever, I think.  I can get a little obsessed at times.  (Those closest to me know this, understand it, and give me far more grace than I could ever thank them for!)  To me, having it all together means having control of all the plates I've got spinning - and there are many.  That's okay...I can spin a lot of plates at once - that's not the issue.  What is really throwing me is that so many of them are spinning out of my control lately.

So where do you go when you don't have it all together?  No, really.  I'm not rhetorically asking that question; I'm legitimately wondering.

I am a Jesus girl and I run all things in my life through my Jesus filter...but I also like having answers, and right now, I don't have any.  It's not that I don't think He'll lead me to them...it's just that right now,  I have none.  And I don't like the feeling at all.

I collect positive, encouraging phrases like the one I put in this post, and I come back to them time and time again - hoping that one day I'll believe them.  But the reality is, it's hard for me not to have control of so many things in my life. .  My mom, my 20-something kiddos, my job, and a variety of other situations are happening in my life right now that I can really only react to, not control.  It doesn't feel like it's okay not to have it all together!

So why am I breaking my pattern and talking about life if I don't have it all together in my head right now?  Well...a few reasons, really, but mainly because a few days ago Facebook brought an old blog post of mine from a year ago back to my attention in its "See Your Memories" feature - and boy, did I need to read what I wrote a year ago that day!  I'm writing for my future self - and for anyone else who cares to read it.  I'm writing because this is how I do life - I process it with written words.  I'm writing because for me, it's as necessary as breathing.  (I already feel a little better just because I've put this all down in words, instead of letting it just rumble around in my head.)

For today, this counts as my win...

When the Direction Isn't Forward...

Hello, friends.  If you followed my first blog, you will surely remember that much of it was about my experiences in finding myself while I dropped 100 pounds.  So, perhaps you'll understand that this blog post is one I never wanted to write.

At my annual checkup yesterday, I had to face an ugly truth that I've been watching reveal itself in my mirror over the past year or so with no workouts.  I've regained 45 of those pounds.  

What do you do when the direction you're moving isn't forward?  Part of me wants to hide under my covers and pretend that the past few years haven't happened...to go back to that day in January of 2012 where I hit my biggest goal and felt success like I'd never known and re-do life from that point forward. I want to rewrite those intervening years so that there would be no debilitating knee pain and subsequent knee replacement and no family fraying at the edges. There would be easy-going and forward-moving gains in my overall health, my weight would still be dropping, and all would be right with the world.

But then there's this part of me that is firmly grounded in reality.  And in all honesty, that's the girl who needs to respond to this. She's the one I found on that Journey to Me ..and she's the only one who is going to turn this around and get me moving in the right direction again.  

Joel and Julia...Another Perspective

Hello...it's been a while!  In the past 10 days, I've been dealing with bronchitis, laryngitis, and a slight sinus infection.  Add to it a rough bout with Mother Nature this past week and her perimenopausal madness, and I've really had a time of it lately.  I've been coughing, moaning, and generally wishing I had a new body for so long that I don't remember what it's like to feel healthy anymore! But I didn't come here to whine (much!).  I've actually used the "down" time to do some thinking about the meatier issues I'm in the midst of in my journey and I wanted to stay accountable for my moving forward and share them.

A television program that I have loved for many years is ending its run next week.  "Parenthood" on NBC was a quick hit with me because of how it dealt with a couple parenting a child who is on the autism spectrum, something I deal with as a teacher on a daily basis, but have never had the experience of living with 24/7.  (Why that actor has never won an Emmy for his spot-on portrayal of Max Braverman is beyond me...he's SPECTACULAR!  But I digress...)

Another reason I love the show is that over the years, Parenthood has tackled some of the meatier issues in marriage through the lens of the relationships between its main characters.  Camille and Zeek growing apart over time due to lack of shared interests and poor communication was particularly poignant.  Adam and Kristina dealing with serious illness...wow!  Most of the time, I feel they are realistic, rather than always looking for the fairy tale ending.  Sarah and Crosby and their relationships and (now) marriages are just a hot mess...but isn't that how life really is?!?

One of the marriages and its particular set of crises hit close to home for me, though.  Joel and Julia. I know this program is fiction...and I do remind myself of this often so I can keep perspective...but these two have run the gamut of emotional upheaval over the past few seasons, and I can very much identify with that!  It's been a bit cathartic for me to see them work this out, actually.  But it may surprise you to hear that I'm not a real fan of how this story line is ending (the two of them are getting back together after nearly divorcing).  Let me explain by sharing some of my own journey in life and marriage.