To Know...and Be Known

I had the chance to do some extraordinary things today.

The first event on my very busy weekend schedule was a meeting about the Global Leadership Summit, where I have the privilege of serving on a team that makes many people welcome in our building as they learn via live satellite feed from some AMAZING leaders.  I have listened and learned and had my life changed for the past 4 years now by this annual event, and knowing that I get to serve on this team is a delight, because I know firsthand the difference it will make in the lives of those who attend it!

At this first team meeting with some amazing ladies who are also serving at the summit, our leader ended our time together in prayer - not an uncommon thing to happen at a church meeting.  She asked us point blank questions about what was going on in our lives and spirits - also not unusual, given this particular leader's style and belief in the power of prayer.  What was incredible is that we opened up to each other in a really surprising way. We shared great joy, deep pain, confident hope, and abject fear with each other and then took a long time to intimately pray for and with each other.

If you've never done that, I strongly recommend it.  To be prayed over in that way moved me.  To pray over a sister in that way humbled me.  I needed that connection so much and hadn't expected to have that need met so wonderfully this morning.  Where I had planned on attending a meeting, God planned a little revival in my life.

When I left that meeting, with my emotional tank already feeling pretty full,  I moved on to today's next big event - a very long awaited meeting with some former colleagues of mine.  For several years, we were a teaching team together.  I'm not sure you could find four people who are more different from each other in temperament, but what we share in common far outweighs that.  We can teach...all of us...and although we do it differently, we also do it really, really well.  We were a dynamic, high-performing team and it is a huge joy for me to know that we made changes in this world because we changed the lives of kiddos and their families.  We did some of our best work together and I have looked forward to sharing this lunch with them for a long time now.

It didn't disappoint!  The meal was wonderful, and the company was even better!  Being together with my friends made the years melt away and I could remember being a fairly young, idealistic teacher on a faculty with these people.  They really have no idea, I think, that some things I still do in the classroom I do because of their influence.  Admittedly, I know next to nothing about how other careers work, having spent the past 27 years as a teacher, but I really hope that at least some jobs have the same spirit of collegiality that educators share.  We are far more than co-workers.  We are truly friends.

As we were sitting at the table catching up with each other and waiting for the whole group to arrive, for the second time today, a friend asked me point blank questions about what was going on in my life.  And for the second time, I answered honestly and opened up to someone who was genuinely interested in the answers.  More connection.

On the drive home from an uplifting happy time together it hit me. Both of these interactions today revealed something to me about  myself that I'm finally able to put words to.

There is very little that I want more in life than to know and be known.  

I live a transparent life most times, as this blog can attest, in an effort to be seen and known by people.  It means so much to me when someone says by their actions,

"Hey...I see you...I hear you...I know you." 

Because what that really screams to me is,

"I accept you...I care for you...I love you."  

I pay attention and try to be positive and encouraging to people for much the same reason...I want them to know that they are seen and loved.  I want to remind them that they matter and that my world is a better place because they are in it.

I'm going to keep praying about this and digging into it now that I finally have some words for it.  I suspect that I'm not really alone in this desire to know and be known.  In fact, I'd be willing to bet that many people in this world probably want the same thing to some extent.  We were made for connection and it is an unnatural state for us to be without it.

Sometimes moving forward is about who you bring with you.  I have some of the best companions I could ever ask for along for my ride!

Moving Forward...again...finally

Angie
:-)

Hello, my name is Angie and I'm an Achiever...

I've come to realize something about myself recently that I'm not entirely certain how to prcoess.  If you've ever done a Strengths Finder (http://www.strengthsfinder.com/home.aspx)  assessment for yourself, you'll discover some nouns that name 5 of your strongest strengths. I highly recommend taking one if you haven't. Well, my strongest strength was being an achiever, and at first blush, that sounds like exactly who I am.

I've always been a very high achiever.  Always.  If there was an A to be had in school, I went after it, and more times than not, I got it.  I'm a member in good standing of many different honor societies. I've been nominated for and received awards for many things. I'm  proud to be known as someone who won't quit until the job is done and done well.  It's truly part of my nature.  I just...achieve.

But what I've discovered over the past several months is that there may be a reason that I achieve besides the results of that little questionnaire.  I do achieve...that much is accurate...but I think the REASON I achieve is rather complex and not completely lovely.

Learning to Dance....

Hey!  Long time no chat, right?!  Well...it's been a month!  Literally AND figuratively.  This one just about did me in, but spring break began not a moment too soon yesterday afternoon.  After a great time last night with my friends working a concert (which I dearly LOVE to do!) and a restful morning, I'm feeling more like talking today.

I try not to whine about it, but I've shared before that Mother Nature is doing a number on me as I enter this perimenopausal season of life.  For the past month, she's been on a vendetta, I believe. It feels like she's trying to take me down with every hormonal nightmare she has at her disposal.  I had every hope that my own experience with this time would go quickly and easily as my mother's did, but genetics has betrayed me and it honestly feels like I walk through a very personal hell many days. Again, literally and figuratively!  These hot flashes are nothing to play with, people!  And the emotional mood swings could rival those of early adolescence any day.  In fact, we just finished teaching the health unit on puberty at school this week, and I can assure you that my 5th graders have NOTHING on me!  This is not for faint of heart!

When the Direction Isn't Forward...

Hello, friends.  If you followed my first blog, you will surely remember that much of it was about my experiences in finding myself while I dropped 100 pounds.  So, perhaps you'll understand that this blog post is one I never wanted to write.

At my annual checkup yesterday, I had to face an ugly truth that I've been watching reveal itself in my mirror over the past year or so with no workouts.  I've regained 45 of those pounds.  

What do you do when the direction you're moving isn't forward?  Part of me wants to hide under my covers and pretend that the past few years haven't happened...to go back to that day in January of 2012 where I hit my biggest goal and felt success like I'd never known and re-do life from that point forward. I want to rewrite those intervening years so that there would be no debilitating knee pain and subsequent knee replacement and no family fraying at the edges. There would be easy-going and forward-moving gains in my overall health, my weight would still be dropping, and all would be right with the world.

But then there's this part of me that is firmly grounded in reality.  And in all honesty, that's the girl who needs to respond to this. She's the one I found on that Journey to Me ..and she's the only one who is going to turn this around and get me moving in the right direction again.  

All's Well That Ends Well...

***SPOILER ALERT***  If you have NOT watched the series finale of Parenthood and still want to...you may want to watch it first and read this blog post later...because I'm gonna talk about it!!!

If you're still here...welcome!  I had the most incredible time last night gathering with about 15 other women and watching the last Parenthood episode ever.  I can't remember ever gathering with people like this to watch a television program any other time in my life, except perhaps a sporting event. Thank you so much to Joanne and Bridget for thinking of it and hosting us all!

It was so refreshing to see other women just as touched as I was by this program and to have the opportunity to share our knowledge of it (Yes, I won a prize!) and support each other through our tears (Yes, there were many!)  I was sorry when the show ended, but also sorry the evening itself ended. There is power in the sharing, I think...we collectively grieved our loss and were able to move forward.  I love that about us as females...we do this emotional honesty thing really well most times!

Joel and Julia...Another Perspective

Hello...it's been a while!  In the past 10 days, I've been dealing with bronchitis, laryngitis, and a slight sinus infection.  Add to it a rough bout with Mother Nature this past week and her perimenopausal madness, and I've really had a time of it lately.  I've been coughing, moaning, and generally wishing I had a new body for so long that I don't remember what it's like to feel healthy anymore! But I didn't come here to whine (much!).  I've actually used the "down" time to do some thinking about the meatier issues I'm in the midst of in my journey and I wanted to stay accountable for my moving forward and share them.

A television program that I have loved for many years is ending its run next week.  "Parenthood" on NBC was a quick hit with me because of how it dealt with a couple parenting a child who is on the autism spectrum, something I deal with as a teacher on a daily basis, but have never had the experience of living with 24/7.  (Why that actor has never won an Emmy for his spot-on portrayal of Max Braverman is beyond me...he's SPECTACULAR!  But I digress...)

Another reason I love the show is that over the years, Parenthood has tackled some of the meatier issues in marriage through the lens of the relationships between its main characters.  Camille and Zeek growing apart over time due to lack of shared interests and poor communication was particularly poignant.  Adam and Kristina dealing with serious illness...wow!  Most of the time, I feel they are realistic, rather than always looking for the fairy tale ending.  Sarah and Crosby and their relationships and (now) marriages are just a hot mess...but isn't that how life really is?!?

One of the marriages and its particular set of crises hit close to home for me, though.  Joel and Julia. I know this program is fiction...and I do remind myself of this often so I can keep perspective...but these two have run the gamut of emotional upheaval over the past few seasons, and I can very much identify with that!  It's been a bit cathartic for me to see them work this out, actually.  But it may surprise you to hear that I'm not a real fan of how this story line is ending (the two of them are getting back together after nearly divorcing).  Let me explain by sharing some of my own journey in life and marriage.

Call It What It Is...And Then Deal With It!

This won't be surprising to those of you who've known me for a while, but there's something I want. I want it badly. And I've been working toward it for a long time, without yet having the breakthrough and success I'm looking for.

I want to be a published author.

And today, I've decided what's holding me back, keeping me writing but saving to the massive quantity of finished pieces of work on my hard drive, rather than submitting them to be published.

I'm scared.

Terrified, really.

Why?  I don't want to be rejected.  These things I write are pieces of my heart...and I don't know if I can take the "Thank you for your submission, but your work is not something our company has an interest in publishing at this time..." letter.

I feel like my move forward today was calling it what it is.  I can't deal with it unless I admit it, right? But how DO I deal with it?

It's actually a much bigger problem for me in my life than I've ever been willing to see before now. There are many other times and decisions in my life where I've also been scared to risk it, but somehow, I've found the courage and put it on the line and went for it. I am always genuinely surprised by situations that work out the way I hoped they would!

I'm naturally a pretty upbeat, positive person when it comes to life - but not so much about myself. When it comes to evaluating myself, I tend to be my own worst critic.  No, I'll never get selected.  My work isn't good enough.  Who would read my novel?  I feed myself these statements ALL THE TIME!

But today, I'm asking myself why?  Why do I always assume that I'm not good enough?  And really - does it matter what I think or not?  If I'm going to be a published author, at some point, it's going to be someone else's judgment of my skill as a writer that matters...not my own, right?

I think overall I need to have a healthier, more balanced view of myself.  I tend to assume in any situation that I'm not enough.  Not smart enough.  Not pretty enough.  Not fit enough.  Not thin enough.  Not strong enough.  Not determined enough.  Just not enough!  

Why is that?  Low self-esteem?  Yes - a life long struggle of mine that I still battle, even though I've made many gains in this area the past few years.  But the more I chew on this in preparation for actually submitting a piece of my writing to a publisher, the more I see it's not just a low self-esteem. It's the fear of failure.

Have the Conversations that Need to Be Had...

Today, I had the absolute joy and privilege of being taken to breakfast by a dear, dear friend.  We've only known each other well for a few years, but "Sis" is how we refer to each other, and it's very accurate because we truly are family - the kind that you choose for yourself, not the kind you're born into.

As we sat by a warm fire and enjoyed each other's company, catching each other up on the little things, the conversation eventually took a God-ordained turn and veered into deeper, bigger things. How are you really?  What's God doing in your life?  Those kinds of things...the very things this blog is about, actually.

The Audacity of Hope...

Audacity.  Shameless boldness.  Daring, with confident or arrogant disregard for conventional wisdom or other restrictions.

I've never really considered hope audacious, but perhaps it truly is.

You see, I'm hoping for some changes this year in my life as I concentrate on moving forward.  I've undertaken the task of examining my life - where I am, what I've accomplished as a wife, mother, daughter, professional, and perhaps more importantly, where I want to go and what I want to do with the time I've got left in this life.  I make no bones any longer about facing midlife head on and asking myself the difficult questions.  I'm generally happy and fairly settled in my life at this point, but there are these nagging unfulfilled goals and dreams that keep eating away at me.  It's time to do actually DO something about them...and it may well take some audacity to get them accomplished.