When You Don't Have It All Together...

It's been a while since I've blogged.  It's been a while since I've felt like I had anything to say, actually.  Somewhat ironic considering the title of my blog is I've Still Got Something To Say!

I'm one of those people who has always been pretty transparent.  I figure this journey of life is meant to be shared and that we can learn amazing things from each other if we are brave and bold enough to share our stories.  But what I normally share is when I've had some brilliant insight, an epiphany of sorts.  It doesn't have to be a victory that brings that kind of learning, though I've shared plenty of those along the path.  Typically, those kinds of insights come from the lows, actually - not the highs.  I write about my life to process internally what's happening in and to me and then share it in case other people can benefit from it, too.  I usually write after I have it all together.

And maybe that's why I haven't been writing a lot in the past year.  I don't have it all together.  And I don't like admitting that.  I surely don't like living it, but admitting that just now feels like admitting defeat, and I don't do defeat very well.

For as happy as I generally am, I can also be pretty intense.  That comes from being an over-achiever, I think.  I can get a little obsessed at times.  (Those closest to me know this, understand it, and give me far more grace than I could ever thank them for!)  To me, having it all together means having control of all the plates I've got spinning - and there are many.  That's okay...I can spin a lot of plates at once - that's not the issue.  What is really throwing me is that so many of them are spinning out of my control lately.

So where do you go when you don't have it all together?  No, really.  I'm not rhetorically asking that question; I'm legitimately wondering.

I am a Jesus girl and I run all things in my life through my Jesus filter...but I also like having answers, and right now, I don't have any.  It's not that I don't think He'll lead me to them...it's just that right now,  I have none.  And I don't like the feeling at all.

I collect positive, encouraging phrases like the one I put in this post, and I come back to them time and time again - hoping that one day I'll believe them.  But the reality is, it's hard for me not to have control of so many things in my life. .  My mom, my 20-something kiddos, my job, and a variety of other situations are happening in my life right now that I can really only react to, not control.  It doesn't feel like it's okay not to have it all together!

So why am I breaking my pattern and talking about life if I don't have it all together in my head right now?  Well...a few reasons, really, but mainly because a few days ago Facebook brought an old blog post of mine from a year ago back to my attention in its "See Your Memories" feature - and boy, did I need to read what I wrote a year ago that day!  I'm writing for my future self - and for anyone else who cares to read it.  I'm writing because this is how I do life - I process it with written words.  I'm writing because for me, it's as necessary as breathing.  (I already feel a little better just because I've put this all down in words, instead of letting it just rumble around in my head.)

For today, this counts as my win...

Who I Am

This summer, my church has been preaching a sermon series on the 7 "I Am" statements that Jesus made about Himself in the book of John.  This morning, as I was having a private pity party about the state of my physical and mental health right now in life, something struck me. Jesus had plenty to feel pitiful about, too...He cried, too...He wanted a different outcome, too.  But what got Him through it?

He knew who He was.  

When He gave us those "I Am" messages, He revealed in ways that we could understand that He was indeed God incarnate and had come for a purpose - to seek us and save us.  But what if He was speaking them to Himself, too? Verbal reminders of the absolute truths of His existence. Reassurance that no matter how out of control the world felt as he walked His way toward the cross, there was a plan...and it hadn't changed. HE hadn't changed.  Don't we all need that kind of knowledge from time to time?

Perhaps the better question is if He knew who He was...shouldn't I know who I am, too?  The enemy is gaining so much ground in my thought-life this summer, which is something really hard to admit for a Jesus Girl who loves her God as much as she ever has.  The enemy is trying hard to convince me that where I am is all there is, it won't get better, the best days of my life aren't truly ahead of me, they've already passed. But perhaps that's happening because I don't really understand and haven't laid claim to who I truly am.

And perhaps the way to take ground against my enemy is to do that - know my absolute truths and speak them. Own them.  Believe them.  So, with all due respect to my Savior who did this so much better than I'm about to, here are my own "I Am" truths.

I am a daughter of the King and I belong.  So much of this summer, I have felt lost, left out, alone. But what I feel is not what is true. I'm going to say that again...what I FEEL is not what's TRUE! What IS true is that I am a member of the family that God has made, and I can and should reach out when I feel lost and alone. I believe we were made for community, and right now in my life, I belong to some amazing ones that have my back and care deeply about me.  This is a precious gift.

I am perfectly imperfect.  Although I hate making and owning mistakes, I understand that they have been some of the most incredible opportunities for GRACE to make itself evident in my life.  I am alive and moving forward in life because of incredible grace! Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. I have experienced what the angels never will...to stand in need and embrace a Savior.  There is no need to continue to beat myself up over choices I've made that I regret...I've learned, I've been offered forgiveness, mercy, and grace, and I can move forward.

I am a work in progress.  I will never be complete this side of heaven, and I wasn't meant to be.  If I lack in an area, I trust God will work it out in me and lead me in His paths as I yield myself to Him.  I don't need to be complete, and in fact, I can't be.  Completeness isn't my goal - growth is.  Am I moving in the direction I should be is the question that should be answered....because when my direction is in alignment with His, then I am living a life that brings me satisfaction and happiness.

I am loving and kind.  This is something that makes me strong, not weak. I love deeply, easily, and well. I enjoy doing nice, kind things for people, and I will go out of my way to do so. My love and kindness are never misplaced, even when they are not returned to me the way I want or hope they will be. This world is very short in the love and kindness department, and sharing mine liberally isn't a bad thing.  In fact, it's exactly what God wants me to do...love like He does.

I am strong and capable.  Yes, I am limited right now physically, but I won't always be, and in fact, I have made many gains already to reclaim strength.  I will keep making those as time passes. Yes, I am mentally worn down right now, too, but that's my choice.  I am able to think, reason, pray, and make decisions that will change my reality. Those are God-given gifts, and when I use them, I AM strong and I AM capable of doing what I want and am called to do.

I am intelligent.  Yes, I forget things from time to time, more than I used to.  But I am smart.  I know things - many things - and that's nothing to be ashamed of.  Nor is it meant to become a source of false pride in my life.  It is the result of a lifetime of loving to learn, and I don't want to ever lose that desire to learn new things.

I am an overcomer.  I am because He is, and He says I am.  In fact, He says I am MORE than a conquerer! Jesus' victory on the cross gives me access to the same power He used to defeat death and the grave. If I'm not using it, it's not because it's not available...it's that I'm choosing not to access it, and I need to remember this!

Chronic pain is real, and it has passed the God-filter for this season of my life. He's allowed it in for His purposes in my life, and I know that it is, at least in part, responsible for my mental state.  I haven't been as strong as I want to be and need to be to fight the lies of my enemy...and I've had way too many pity parties!  The pain IS real...but I don't have to let it effect my reality.  These truths about me are no less true because I am in pain.  Maybe this is why He let it through when He stops so many other things.  Maybe He wants to me claim and live Philippians 4:8...

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just,

whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable,

if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise,

THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS."

OK, Jesus...I feel you!  It's time to focus on who I am...and who YOU are!  No more pity parties to begin my days.  There's nothing pitiful about me...not one thing!  Time to live that truth.

Moving Forward...
Angie
:-)

I See You...

It's been a long time, I know.  But it's also been a long, hot, painful summer for me.  And as trying times in our lives usually do, it's teaching me some lessons about who I am, who I want to be, and what I'm willing to sacrifice to be that person.

Because of knee replacement surgery, I've had a lot of solitary, sitting-on-my-couch-with-nothing-to-do-cuz-I-can't-move time.  Oh, don't get me wrong - double knee replacement will change my life for the better.  But that's a definite WILL...not a HAS.  The process of getting from the surgery to the better is not for the weak, my friends!

But this post isn't about me whining or bemoaning the fate of my summer. Nope!  I mention it to explain that all this sitting around has given me an extraordinary amount of surgically enforced "down" time...and my active mind isn't at all used to that.  I may not be very physically active this summer, but I'm rarely not mentally active...and I've really been doing some thinking.  Overthinking in too many cases, I'm sure. I've had some happy moments and some dreadfully sad ones, but in it all, one theme keeps coming back to me and it's time to talk about it...get some feedback, hopefully.  Let me fill you in on some of what I've been feeling and thinking.

You Just Don't Know...

On this journey forward this year, many ideas are finally coming into focus for me. This one I'm sharing today is one that has actually been forming in me for many years and through many life situations.  And it is a particularly hard one for me to embrace as a woman who prides herself on her intelligence, but that makes it no less true.  Here it is...

You don't know.  

Really.

You. Don't. Know.

Oh, we think we know.  We are more than happy to share with everyone we know exactly what we know. We are convinced that we completely understand all there is to it.  

But we don't know.

You can't look at me, for example, and understand how enormous the knee pain is that I work through on a daily basis.  You may see me limp from time to time.  And you perhaps have talked about it with me and know that the surgery that gives me hope for a better quality of life is 15 days away.  But you have no way of knowing that every step I take on my right leg feels like a knife is stabbing me, but that I keep on taking those steps because I am deathly afraid that the moment I intentionally stop taking them will be the day that I no longer can and that haunts me.

You don't know.

I'm not saying that you SHOULD know.  I'm not even saying that you CAN know, not fully anyway. What I'm saying is that you DON'T.  You hear me.  You pray for me.  You may even love me.  But you don't know.

Why is that important?  For this reason:  because you don't know, you don't get to judge.  

You don't get to see me sitting down at my desk instead of roaming my classroom like I might have in the past and make a judgment that I'm a lazy teacher.  You don't get to look at the dust piled high on nearly every surface of my house and deem me a horrible housekeeper.  You don't get to see the weight I worked so hard to lose come piling back on me and think I've given up and don't care anymore.  

You don't know.

Make no mistake...people DO make those judgments.  A few are even brave enough to own them...confront me about them and share their unsolicited wisdom...but you don't get to.  Because you don't know.

I know that I've been given this lesson in my life because I'm one who doesn't know, too.  And I've learned this lesson the hard way.  By assuming that I do know...when in reality, I don't.

I don't know that the marriage that looks so much better than mine from the outside is actually struggling to hold on and may not make it.

I don't know that the mom who looks to me like she's doing everything right is shaming herself daily for sins only she knows and is desperate for someone to help her.

I don't know that the kiddo who looks to me like she's highly intelligent and capable is dreadfully afraid of finding the subject she knows nothing about because then everyone will see how stupid she really is, so she stays up very late every night and makes sure that she knows as much as she can about everything she can.

I THINK I know these things.  I am a very keen observer of people.  I pay attention. But I don't know.

I. Don't. Know.

And because I don't know, I need to stop judging.  I need to stop believing I know what I can't possibly know.  And I need to just love people and offer them grace instead of judgment.  

I need to ask...and listen.  And then listen some more.  

I need to pray...and forgive.  And then forgive some more.

Perhaps more than anything, I need to remember always that I don't know.

This world is full of critics.  What it's decidedly short on is people who are willing to love. 

My move forward today...and hopefully every day hereafter...is to be one of those people.  It's better not to know and just to love.  It gets us much farther in the end, doesn't it?

Moving Forward....

Angie

:-)