Tuesday, February 9, 2016

When You Don't Have It All Together...

It's been a while since I've blogged.  It's been a while since I've felt like I had anything to say, actually.  Somewhat ironic considering the title of my blog is I've Still Got Something To Say!

I'm one of those people who has always been pretty transparent.  I figure this journey of life is meant to be shared and that we can learn amazing things from each other if we are brave and bold enough to share our stories.  But what I normally share is when I've had some brilliant insight, an epiphany of sorts.  It doesn't have to be a victory that brings that kind of learning, though I've shared plenty of those along the path.  Typically, those kinds of insights come from the lows, actually - not the highs.  I write about my life to process internally what's happening in and to me and then share it in case other people can benefit from it, too.  I usually write after I have it all together.

And maybe that's why I haven't been writing a lot in the past year.  I don't have it all together.  And I don't like admitting that.  I surely don't like living it, but admitting that just now feels like admitting defeat, and I don't do defeat very well.

For as happy as I generally am, I can also be pretty intense.  That comes from being an over-achiever, I think.  I can get a little obsessed at times.  (Those closest to me know this, understand it, and give me far more grace than I could ever thank them for!)  To me, having it all together means having control of all the plates I've got spinning - and there are many.  That's okay...I can spin a lot of plates at once - that's not the issue.  What is really throwing me is that so many of them are spinning out of my control lately.

So where do you go when you don't have it all together?  No, really.  I'm not rhetorically asking that question; I'm legitimately wondering.

I am a Jesus girl and I run all things in my life through my Jesus filter...but I also like having answers, and right now, I don't have any.  It's not that I don't think He'll lead me to them...it's just that right now,  I have none.  And I don't like the feeling at all.

I collect positive, encouraging phrases like the one I put in this post, and I come back to them time and time again - hoping that one day I'll believe them.  But the reality is, it's hard for me not to have control of so many things in my life. .  My mom, my 20-something kiddos, my job, and a variety of other situations are happening in my life right now that I can really only react to, not control.  It doesn't feel like it's okay not to have it all together!

So why am I breaking my pattern and talking about life if I don't have it all together in my head right now?  Well...a few reasons, really, but mainly because a few days ago Facebook brought an old blog post of mine from a year ago back to my attention in its "See Your Memories" feature - and boy, did I need to read what I wrote a year ago that day!  I'm writing for my future self - and for anyone else who cares to read it.  I'm writing because this is how I do life - I process it with written words.  I'm writing because for me, it's as necessary as breathing.  (I already feel a little better just because I've put this all down in words, instead of letting it just rumble around in my head.)

For today, this counts as my win...

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