Here....

I currently have 3 blog posts sitting as drafts in my work space, and tonight I finally figured out why.

My word for this year is forward.  I've been praying over it and striving to live it out as I stretch myself and do things I didn't think I could. Only lately, God is trying to make the move forward really clear for me...but I've been holding on to here.

Here is a place I know.  There's comfort in that, even though here is not necessarily a place I'm really enjoying in life.

Here is midlife, and all of the lovely changes in my body and attitude that brings, sometimes on an hourly basis.

Here is looking toward the end of my career and wondering if I've done all I could and what's still left to accomplish in the next ten years.

Here is contemplating an empty nest soon, and some days very eager for it to arrive, while others I sit in the bathroom and sob because I'm done raising little boys and I miss their hugs and their dirty faces that I got to scrub in the bathtub a lifetime ago.

Here is facing down another knee surgery next month because arthritis has taken all it can from me and I have no more left to give.

Here is contemplating many decisions made in my early 20's that are not really what I anticipated they'd be in my late 40's and wondering if this is all there is...and if it isn't, what can and should I do about that.

Here isn't really paradise, but it's not hell either, and I've been sitting here for a while now.

Waiting.
Wanting.
Wondering.
Waffling.

Those drafts of blog posts are symbolic of my life right now.  They're sitting here, too, every bit as disorganized and unfinished as the woman who penned them.  They're not ready to be seen.  They're raw and emotional and hard to digest. Just like the woman who penned them. In fact, I'm really tempted to just delete them.  Maybe that's the forward move - to let them go - let go of here and move my attention to there instead. To forward.

Some days, I'm just not ready for forward.

I wish it wasn't beckoning me.

But it is.

There's Something to Be Said for a Sabbath...

As I'm writing this, it's a lovely Sunday morning.  It's a little chilly for late April in Maryland, but a lot sunnier than the anticipated forecast.  I'm sitting in my pajamas, in my cozy bed in a quiet house

*WAIT*!!!

It's a Sunday morning...

And I'm at HOME?!?!

So I must be sick, right?  No, I'm not.  Well, then it must be that my knee is being painfully tricky this morning. Yes, it is, but I'm able to move.

Then WHY am I not at church?

That's a really good question.  And, honestly, it's one that I felt guilty about answering until I read a friend's post on Facebook a few minutes ago.  She's home, too...watching the same service I just watched...while she sits on her patio in the gorgeous sunlight, with a cup of coffee and a great book. Now, I'm good.  Now, I get it.

I did "go" to church already today...worshiped online with about 200 other people at 8:00 AM this morning, while many hundred more physically came and sat in the seats.  I've connected with God. I've connected virtually with other believers.  But my body is home right now.  And that's OK today.

It's this new understanding that I have about myself as an "achiever" that's beginning to take root in me.  Sometimes, it's a really bad thing to be an achiever.  Sometimes, I feel that if I'm NOT out there and achieving, then I'm not living out my purpose...not doing what I am passionate about...not leaving my mark on the world. I feel like I'm FAILING.  So I push myself.  Always.  Except for today I just figured out that I'm sometimes pushing too hard.

It's OK to not physically be present at church today.  My heart was present in worship...and my body needs a break.  I don't have anything that I need to achieve today.  I am not failing simply because I'm not intentionally trying to achieve something.

I'm resting...which is what  my body and mind need most today.

I'm enjoying God's beautiful creation...which is something that I don't spend nearly enough time doing.

I'm writing...which I haven't felt like doing in a while, probably because I'm way too busy with things that AREN'T my passion to pursue the things that are.

And I'm happy.

There's something to be said for a sabbath day.  Every day can't be one...but some days should.  And today is mine.

Moving Forward...
Angie
:-)

It's Almost My Birthday...

...and I'm OK with that!

Last year, I remember being very impacted and upset about getting older.  I felt very, very old, which was somewhat unusual for me.  I have never been a person who is overly bothered by a number.  I think you're only about as old as you act or feel.  But last year, turning 47, I felt old.

This year, however, I'm feeling a bit refreshed and renewed.  I'm making changes in my life a little at a time, like allowing myself to try new things - that I may or may not be successful at - and risking failure.  I'm becoming more and more the person I want to be.  Oh, the journey is nowhere near complete.  It won't be, I think, until I draw my last breath here and wake up in heaven, where I'll be exactly who I was created to be, no more flaws holding me back. But I'm persuaded that the journey to that day is just as important as arriving there. And right now, the journey is going well.

So, next week...in seven short days when I turn 48...you won't find me lamenting the passing of another month, another year.  Nope.  I plan on celebrating! There are some amazing things happening in my life right now in this season, and I am embracing and enjoying every moment.  Yes, I'm looking mid-life square in the eye...and the view from here isn't half bad.

Moving Forward...
Angie
:-)

Hello, my name is Angie and I'm an Achiever...

I've come to realize something about myself recently that I'm not entirely certain how to prcoess.  If you've ever done a Strengths Finder (http://www.strengthsfinder.com/home.aspx)  assessment for yourself, you'll discover some nouns that name 5 of your strongest strengths. I highly recommend taking one if you haven't. Well, my strongest strength was being an achiever, and at first blush, that sounds like exactly who I am.

I've always been a very high achiever.  Always.  If there was an A to be had in school, I went after it, and more times than not, I got it.  I'm a member in good standing of many different honor societies. I've been nominated for and received awards for many things. I'm  proud to be known as someone who won't quit until the job is done and done well.  It's truly part of my nature.  I just...achieve.

But what I've discovered over the past several months is that there may be a reason that I achieve besides the results of that little questionnaire.  I do achieve...that much is accurate...but I think the REASON I achieve is rather complex and not completely lovely.