Denial is Not Just a River in Egypt...

There are moments in life where you simply cannot deny any longer.  A few months ago, I finally reached that point with my mom.  For a year or so, I pretended that her memory wasn't really failing. I avoided in-person interaction with her at times because I knew that if I was with her, I'd see that the woman I've known from my first moment of life is slipping away, so I called her to chat instead of visiting.   But that didn't stop the process from happening.  It kept right on going, with or without my acknowledgment and permission.

My mom has dementia.  It's getting worse, not better, and it's not something that can be denied any longer.

This week on Spring Break, I've spent the large majority of my time dealing with it.  The time off work began with the long avoided (by her and me!) doctor's visit where she had to tell an "outsider" for the first time that she can't always remember things.  On that particular day, it was things like how to subtract 7 from 100 in her head.  And her birthday.  On other days, she can do those things, but somehow can't remember that she was a bookkeeper for 45 years before she retired.  I'm learning not to be shocked at what escapes her and just roll with it, but here where it's safe to emote freely, I can let you know that it's like a body blow every time I find something new she can't quite recall.  It never gets easier.

After the initial visit, we shared a time of mother-daughter blood draws the next day, hers for baseline levels of many things I have to educate myself about, and mine for an upcoming annual physical that I'd also like to avoid, but won't.  (I'm very practiced in the art of denial and avoidance!)  It helped her that I was getting my blood drawn, too, especially since she couldn't quite remember why she had to have hers taken.  That actually may be a blessing in disguise!  Tomorrow, I'll take her for her first MRI where we will also see a baseline of what we're dealing with and how far advanced it is.  Later in May, we'll see the neurologist and maybe by then I'll be ready to hear the word she is almost certain to utter to me.  (No, I don't think it's likely either...can you ever really be ready for that?)

It's easy for me to believe that this "thing" taking my mother away from me a little at a time has the upper hand.  But today, God reminded me that's just not so.

The day began with a call to mom, as it often does.  Today, though, she let me know she'd lost her teeth and found a lot of money.  OK...not our normal "good morning" conversation.  So, I decided that a visit to mom's house would move to the top of my agenda for the day to determine just what we were dealing with.

When I arrived, she had her purse, her keys, a fistful of money, and was ready to go!  Slow down, Mom!  I was able to ask a few questions and get her to sit down and tell me what had happened before we hit the road.  Essentially, she lost her top dentures when she fell asleep on the couch with them in last night, and couldn't find them this morning.  So, while looking for them (in the top, unused drawer of her dresser in her bedroom - don't ask!) she found a lot of money.  About $700, she thought.  Oddly enough, the woman who worked on a daily basis with money now can't really count it well, so I asked if I could see it.  $328.  She wasn't too far off, right?!

After I counted the money, she was ready to go buy new teeth.  They sell them on Main Street, she thinks.  Whoa, Mom!  Slow down.  Let's figure this out.  We can find your teeth here, I bet.  That's when I got the news that she DID find them...and they were "crushed" by the couch.  She said that when she moved the couch to look for them, she heard a "crunch" and so she moved it a few times, just to be sure she wasn't hearing things.  When she lifted it, they were in several small pieces, so she threw them away.  (Yup...I confirmed they were indeed destroyed and in the trash!)

Perhaps it would be a good time to tell you that my mom was a single mom for much of my childhood.  We lived paycheck to paycheck and always made do, but never had much extra.  She had no real retirement savings, and currently lives off of social security and has medicare insurance.  So basically, I'm the bank for her.  I honestly don't mind buying her groceries and clothes, whatever she needs and can't cover with the monthly social security check. She did this for me for the first 18 years of my life after all, and returning the favor is a true privilege and honor.  But I'm not really prepared for the cost of dentures, which medicare won't cover.  I do have bills of my own to take care of in addition to hers.  So I sat down and looked online for a dentist who could quickly make dentures.  I also was looking for one who had a payment plan, since I was fairly certain that I couldn't afford them without one.

That's when I came across "affordable dentures"...that will cost $325 and only take a day to make.

Wow.

Really, God?  Wow.  I shouldn't be surprised, because I've seen You do it over and over again...but WOW!!!

Those are the "economy" dentures, so I'm not sure what the quality will be, but I'm guessing that they're the ones we'll walk away with.  Nearly the EXACT amount of money that my mom "found" in a drawer of a dresser she doesn't use...has no idea where it came from or why she has it.   I know why she's got it...I know precisely why that's the amount of money she found!

Dementia doesn't win.

God does.

When You Don't Have It All Together...

It's been a while since I've blogged.  It's been a while since I've felt like I had anything to say, actually.  Somewhat ironic considering the title of my blog is I've Still Got Something To Say!

I'm one of those people who has always been pretty transparent.  I figure this journey of life is meant to be shared and that we can learn amazing things from each other if we are brave and bold enough to share our stories.  But what I normally share is when I've had some brilliant insight, an epiphany of sorts.  It doesn't have to be a victory that brings that kind of learning, though I've shared plenty of those along the path.  Typically, those kinds of insights come from the lows, actually - not the highs.  I write about my life to process internally what's happening in and to me and then share it in case other people can benefit from it, too.  I usually write after I have it all together.

And maybe that's why I haven't been writing a lot in the past year.  I don't have it all together.  And I don't like admitting that.  I surely don't like living it, but admitting that just now feels like admitting defeat, and I don't do defeat very well.

For as happy as I generally am, I can also be pretty intense.  That comes from being an over-achiever, I think.  I can get a little obsessed at times.  (Those closest to me know this, understand it, and give me far more grace than I could ever thank them for!)  To me, having it all together means having control of all the plates I've got spinning - and there are many.  That's okay...I can spin a lot of plates at once - that's not the issue.  What is really throwing me is that so many of them are spinning out of my control lately.

So where do you go when you don't have it all together?  No, really.  I'm not rhetorically asking that question; I'm legitimately wondering.

I am a Jesus girl and I run all things in my life through my Jesus filter...but I also like having answers, and right now, I don't have any.  It's not that I don't think He'll lead me to them...it's just that right now,  I have none.  And I don't like the feeling at all.

I collect positive, encouraging phrases like the one I put in this post, and I come back to them time and time again - hoping that one day I'll believe them.  But the reality is, it's hard for me not to have control of so many things in my life. .  My mom, my 20-something kiddos, my job, and a variety of other situations are happening in my life right now that I can really only react to, not control.  It doesn't feel like it's okay not to have it all together!

So why am I breaking my pattern and talking about life if I don't have it all together in my head right now?  Well...a few reasons, really, but mainly because a few days ago Facebook brought an old blog post of mine from a year ago back to my attention in its "See Your Memories" feature - and boy, did I need to read what I wrote a year ago that day!  I'm writing for my future self - and for anyone else who cares to read it.  I'm writing because this is how I do life - I process it with written words.  I'm writing because for me, it's as necessary as breathing.  (I already feel a little better just because I've put this all down in words, instead of letting it just rumble around in my head.)

For today, this counts as my win...

Who I Am

This summer, my church has been preaching a sermon series on the 7 "I Am" statements that Jesus made about Himself in the book of John.  This morning, as I was having a private pity party about the state of my physical and mental health right now in life, something struck me. Jesus had plenty to feel pitiful about, too...He cried, too...He wanted a different outcome, too.  But what got Him through it?

He knew who He was.  

When He gave us those "I Am" messages, He revealed in ways that we could understand that He was indeed God incarnate and had come for a purpose - to seek us and save us.  But what if He was speaking them to Himself, too? Verbal reminders of the absolute truths of His existence. Reassurance that no matter how out of control the world felt as he walked His way toward the cross, there was a plan...and it hadn't changed. HE hadn't changed.  Don't we all need that kind of knowledge from time to time?

Perhaps the better question is if He knew who He was...shouldn't I know who I am, too?  The enemy is gaining so much ground in my thought-life this summer, which is something really hard to admit for a Jesus Girl who loves her God as much as she ever has.  The enemy is trying hard to convince me that where I am is all there is, it won't get better, the best days of my life aren't truly ahead of me, they've already passed. But perhaps that's happening because I don't really understand and haven't laid claim to who I truly am.

And perhaps the way to take ground against my enemy is to do that - know my absolute truths and speak them. Own them.  Believe them.  So, with all due respect to my Savior who did this so much better than I'm about to, here are my own "I Am" truths.

I am a daughter of the King and I belong.  So much of this summer, I have felt lost, left out, alone. But what I feel is not what is true. I'm going to say that again...what I FEEL is not what's TRUE! What IS true is that I am a member of the family that God has made, and I can and should reach out when I feel lost and alone. I believe we were made for community, and right now in my life, I belong to some amazing ones that have my back and care deeply about me.  This is a precious gift.

I am perfectly imperfect.  Although I hate making and owning mistakes, I understand that they have been some of the most incredible opportunities for GRACE to make itself evident in my life.  I am alive and moving forward in life because of incredible grace! Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. I have experienced what the angels never will...to stand in need and embrace a Savior.  There is no need to continue to beat myself up over choices I've made that I regret...I've learned, I've been offered forgiveness, mercy, and grace, and I can move forward.

I am a work in progress.  I will never be complete this side of heaven, and I wasn't meant to be.  If I lack in an area, I trust God will work it out in me and lead me in His paths as I yield myself to Him.  I don't need to be complete, and in fact, I can't be.  Completeness isn't my goal - growth is.  Am I moving in the direction I should be is the question that should be answered....because when my direction is in alignment with His, then I am living a life that brings me satisfaction and happiness.

I am loving and kind.  This is something that makes me strong, not weak. I love deeply, easily, and well. I enjoy doing nice, kind things for people, and I will go out of my way to do so. My love and kindness are never misplaced, even when they are not returned to me the way I want or hope they will be. This world is very short in the love and kindness department, and sharing mine liberally isn't a bad thing.  In fact, it's exactly what God wants me to do...love like He does.

I am strong and capable.  Yes, I am limited right now physically, but I won't always be, and in fact, I have made many gains already to reclaim strength.  I will keep making those as time passes. Yes, I am mentally worn down right now, too, but that's my choice.  I am able to think, reason, pray, and make decisions that will change my reality. Those are God-given gifts, and when I use them, I AM strong and I AM capable of doing what I want and am called to do.

I am intelligent.  Yes, I forget things from time to time, more than I used to.  But I am smart.  I know things - many things - and that's nothing to be ashamed of.  Nor is it meant to become a source of false pride in my life.  It is the result of a lifetime of loving to learn, and I don't want to ever lose that desire to learn new things.

I am an overcomer.  I am because He is, and He says I am.  In fact, He says I am MORE than a conquerer! Jesus' victory on the cross gives me access to the same power He used to defeat death and the grave. If I'm not using it, it's not because it's not available...it's that I'm choosing not to access it, and I need to remember this!

Chronic pain is real, and it has passed the God-filter for this season of my life. He's allowed it in for His purposes in my life, and I know that it is, at least in part, responsible for my mental state.  I haven't been as strong as I want to be and need to be to fight the lies of my enemy...and I've had way too many pity parties!  The pain IS real...but I don't have to let it effect my reality.  These truths about me are no less true because I am in pain.  Maybe this is why He let it through when He stops so many other things.  Maybe He wants to me claim and live Philippians 4:8...

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just,

whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable,

if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise,

THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS."

OK, Jesus...I feel you!  It's time to focus on who I am...and who YOU are!  No more pity parties to begin my days.  There's nothing pitiful about me...not one thing!  Time to live that truth.

Moving Forward...
Angie
:-)

I See You...

It's been a long time, I know.  But it's also been a long, hot, painful summer for me.  And as trying times in our lives usually do, it's teaching me some lessons about who I am, who I want to be, and what I'm willing to sacrifice to be that person.

Because of knee replacement surgery, I've had a lot of solitary, sitting-on-my-couch-with-nothing-to-do-cuz-I-can't-move time.  Oh, don't get me wrong - double knee replacement will change my life for the better.  But that's a definite WILL...not a HAS.  The process of getting from the surgery to the better is not for the weak, my friends!

But this post isn't about me whining or bemoaning the fate of my summer. Nope!  I mention it to explain that all this sitting around has given me an extraordinary amount of surgically enforced "down" time...and my active mind isn't at all used to that.  I may not be very physically active this summer, but I'm rarely not mentally active...and I've really been doing some thinking.  Overthinking in too many cases, I'm sure. I've had some happy moments and some dreadfully sad ones, but in it all, one theme keeps coming back to me and it's time to talk about it...get some feedback, hopefully.  Let me fill you in on some of what I've been feeling and thinking.

You Just Don't Know...

On this journey forward this year, many ideas are finally coming into focus for me. This one I'm sharing today is one that has actually been forming in me for many years and through many life situations.  And it is a particularly hard one for me to embrace as a woman who prides herself on her intelligence, but that makes it no less true.  Here it is...

You don't know.  

Really.

You. Don't. Know.

Oh, we think we know.  We are more than happy to share with everyone we know exactly what we know. We are convinced that we completely understand all there is to it.  

But we don't know.

You can't look at me, for example, and understand how enormous the knee pain is that I work through on a daily basis.  You may see me limp from time to time.  And you perhaps have talked about it with me and know that the surgery that gives me hope for a better quality of life is 15 days away.  But you have no way of knowing that every step I take on my right leg feels like a knife is stabbing me, but that I keep on taking those steps because I am deathly afraid that the moment I intentionally stop taking them will be the day that I no longer can and that haunts me.

You don't know.

I'm not saying that you SHOULD know.  I'm not even saying that you CAN know, not fully anyway. What I'm saying is that you DON'T.  You hear me.  You pray for me.  You may even love me.  But you don't know.

Why is that important?  For this reason:  because you don't know, you don't get to judge.  

You don't get to see me sitting down at my desk instead of roaming my classroom like I might have in the past and make a judgment that I'm a lazy teacher.  You don't get to look at the dust piled high on nearly every surface of my house and deem me a horrible housekeeper.  You don't get to see the weight I worked so hard to lose come piling back on me and think I've given up and don't care anymore.  

You don't know.

Make no mistake...people DO make those judgments.  A few are even brave enough to own them...confront me about them and share their unsolicited wisdom...but you don't get to.  Because you don't know.

I know that I've been given this lesson in my life because I'm one who doesn't know, too.  And I've learned this lesson the hard way.  By assuming that I do know...when in reality, I don't.

I don't know that the marriage that looks so much better than mine from the outside is actually struggling to hold on and may not make it.

I don't know that the mom who looks to me like she's doing everything right is shaming herself daily for sins only she knows and is desperate for someone to help her.

I don't know that the kiddo who looks to me like she's highly intelligent and capable is dreadfully afraid of finding the subject she knows nothing about because then everyone will see how stupid she really is, so she stays up very late every night and makes sure that she knows as much as she can about everything she can.

I THINK I know these things.  I am a very keen observer of people.  I pay attention. But I don't know.

I. Don't. Know.

And because I don't know, I need to stop judging.  I need to stop believing I know what I can't possibly know.  And I need to just love people and offer them grace instead of judgment.  

I need to ask...and listen.  And then listen some more.  

I need to pray...and forgive.  And then forgive some more.

Perhaps more than anything, I need to remember always that I don't know.

This world is full of critics.  What it's decidedly short on is people who are willing to love. 

My move forward today...and hopefully every day hereafter...is to be one of those people.  It's better not to know and just to love.  It gets us much farther in the end, doesn't it?

Moving Forward....

Angie

:-)

To Know...and Be Known

I had the chance to do some extraordinary things today.

The first event on my very busy weekend schedule was a meeting about the Global Leadership Summit, where I have the privilege of serving on a team that makes many people welcome in our building as they learn via live satellite feed from some AMAZING leaders.  I have listened and learned and had my life changed for the past 4 years now by this annual event, and knowing that I get to serve on this team is a delight, because I know firsthand the difference it will make in the lives of those who attend it!

At this first team meeting with some amazing ladies who are also serving at the summit, our leader ended our time together in prayer - not an uncommon thing to happen at a church meeting.  She asked us point blank questions about what was going on in our lives and spirits - also not unusual, given this particular leader's style and belief in the power of prayer.  What was incredible is that we opened up to each other in a really surprising way. We shared great joy, deep pain, confident hope, and abject fear with each other and then took a long time to intimately pray for and with each other.

If you've never done that, I strongly recommend it.  To be prayed over in that way moved me.  To pray over a sister in that way humbled me.  I needed that connection so much and hadn't expected to have that need met so wonderfully this morning.  Where I had planned on attending a meeting, God planned a little revival in my life.

When I left that meeting, with my emotional tank already feeling pretty full,  I moved on to today's next big event - a very long awaited meeting with some former colleagues of mine.  For several years, we were a teaching team together.  I'm not sure you could find four people who are more different from each other in temperament, but what we share in common far outweighs that.  We can teach...all of us...and although we do it differently, we also do it really, really well.  We were a dynamic, high-performing team and it is a huge joy for me to know that we made changes in this world because we changed the lives of kiddos and their families.  We did some of our best work together and I have looked forward to sharing this lunch with them for a long time now.

It didn't disappoint!  The meal was wonderful, and the company was even better!  Being together with my friends made the years melt away and I could remember being a fairly young, idealistic teacher on a faculty with these people.  They really have no idea, I think, that some things I still do in the classroom I do because of their influence.  Admittedly, I know next to nothing about how other careers work, having spent the past 27 years as a teacher, but I really hope that at least some jobs have the same spirit of collegiality that educators share.  We are far more than co-workers.  We are truly friends.

As we were sitting at the table catching up with each other and waiting for the whole group to arrive, for the second time today, a friend asked me point blank questions about what was going on in my life.  And for the second time, I answered honestly and opened up to someone who was genuinely interested in the answers.  More connection.

On the drive home from an uplifting happy time together it hit me. Both of these interactions today revealed something to me about  myself that I'm finally able to put words to.

There is very little that I want more in life than to know and be known.  

I live a transparent life most times, as this blog can attest, in an effort to be seen and known by people.  It means so much to me when someone says by their actions,

"Hey...I see you...I hear you...I know you." 

Because what that really screams to me is,

"I accept you...I care for you...I love you."  

I pay attention and try to be positive and encouraging to people for much the same reason...I want them to know that they are seen and loved.  I want to remind them that they matter and that my world is a better place because they are in it.

I'm going to keep praying about this and digging into it now that I finally have some words for it.  I suspect that I'm not really alone in this desire to know and be known.  In fact, I'd be willing to bet that many people in this world probably want the same thing to some extent.  We were made for connection and it is an unnatural state for us to be without it.

Sometimes moving forward is about who you bring with you.  I have some of the best companions I could ever ask for along for my ride!

Moving Forward...again...finally

Angie
:-)

Here....

I currently have 3 blog posts sitting as drafts in my work space, and tonight I finally figured out why.

My word for this year is forward.  I've been praying over it and striving to live it out as I stretch myself and do things I didn't think I could. Only lately, God is trying to make the move forward really clear for me...but I've been holding on to here.

Here is a place I know.  There's comfort in that, even though here is not necessarily a place I'm really enjoying in life.

Here is midlife, and all of the lovely changes in my body and attitude that brings, sometimes on an hourly basis.

Here is looking toward the end of my career and wondering if I've done all I could and what's still left to accomplish in the next ten years.

Here is contemplating an empty nest soon, and some days very eager for it to arrive, while others I sit in the bathroom and sob because I'm done raising little boys and I miss their hugs and their dirty faces that I got to scrub in the bathtub a lifetime ago.

Here is facing down another knee surgery next month because arthritis has taken all it can from me and I have no more left to give.

Here is contemplating many decisions made in my early 20's that are not really what I anticipated they'd be in my late 40's and wondering if this is all there is...and if it isn't, what can and should I do about that.

Here isn't really paradise, but it's not hell either, and I've been sitting here for a while now.

Waiting.
Wanting.
Wondering.
Waffling.

Those drafts of blog posts are symbolic of my life right now.  They're sitting here, too, every bit as disorganized and unfinished as the woman who penned them.  They're not ready to be seen.  They're raw and emotional and hard to digest. Just like the woman who penned them. In fact, I'm really tempted to just delete them.  Maybe that's the forward move - to let them go - let go of here and move my attention to there instead. To forward.

Some days, I'm just not ready for forward.

I wish it wasn't beckoning me.

But it is.

There's Something to Be Said for a Sabbath...

As I'm writing this, it's a lovely Sunday morning.  It's a little chilly for late April in Maryland, but a lot sunnier than the anticipated forecast.  I'm sitting in my pajamas, in my cozy bed in a quiet house

*WAIT*!!!

It's a Sunday morning...

And I'm at HOME?!?!

So I must be sick, right?  No, I'm not.  Well, then it must be that my knee is being painfully tricky this morning. Yes, it is, but I'm able to move.

Then WHY am I not at church?

That's a really good question.  And, honestly, it's one that I felt guilty about answering until I read a friend's post on Facebook a few minutes ago.  She's home, too...watching the same service I just watched...while she sits on her patio in the gorgeous sunlight, with a cup of coffee and a great book. Now, I'm good.  Now, I get it.

I did "go" to church already today...worshiped online with about 200 other people at 8:00 AM this morning, while many hundred more physically came and sat in the seats.  I've connected with God. I've connected virtually with other believers.  But my body is home right now.  And that's OK today.

It's this new understanding that I have about myself as an "achiever" that's beginning to take root in me.  Sometimes, it's a really bad thing to be an achiever.  Sometimes, I feel that if I'm NOT out there and achieving, then I'm not living out my purpose...not doing what I am passionate about...not leaving my mark on the world. I feel like I'm FAILING.  So I push myself.  Always.  Except for today I just figured out that I'm sometimes pushing too hard.

It's OK to not physically be present at church today.  My heart was present in worship...and my body needs a break.  I don't have anything that I need to achieve today.  I am not failing simply because I'm not intentionally trying to achieve something.

I'm resting...which is what  my body and mind need most today.

I'm enjoying God's beautiful creation...which is something that I don't spend nearly enough time doing.

I'm writing...which I haven't felt like doing in a while, probably because I'm way too busy with things that AREN'T my passion to pursue the things that are.

And I'm happy.

There's something to be said for a sabbath day.  Every day can't be one...but some days should.  And today is mine.

Moving Forward...
Angie
:-)

It's Almost My Birthday...

...and I'm OK with that!

Last year, I remember being very impacted and upset about getting older.  I felt very, very old, which was somewhat unusual for me.  I have never been a person who is overly bothered by a number.  I think you're only about as old as you act or feel.  But last year, turning 47, I felt old.

This year, however, I'm feeling a bit refreshed and renewed.  I'm making changes in my life a little at a time, like allowing myself to try new things - that I may or may not be successful at - and risking failure.  I'm becoming more and more the person I want to be.  Oh, the journey is nowhere near complete.  It won't be, I think, until I draw my last breath here and wake up in heaven, where I'll be exactly who I was created to be, no more flaws holding me back. But I'm persuaded that the journey to that day is just as important as arriving there. And right now, the journey is going well.

So, next week...in seven short days when I turn 48...you won't find me lamenting the passing of another month, another year.  Nope.  I plan on celebrating! There are some amazing things happening in my life right now in this season, and I am embracing and enjoying every moment.  Yes, I'm looking mid-life square in the eye...and the view from here isn't half bad.

Moving Forward...
Angie
:-)

Hello, my name is Angie and I'm an Achiever...

I've come to realize something about myself recently that I'm not entirely certain how to prcoess.  If you've ever done a Strengths Finder (http://www.strengthsfinder.com/home.aspx)  assessment for yourself, you'll discover some nouns that name 5 of your strongest strengths. I highly recommend taking one if you haven't. Well, my strongest strength was being an achiever, and at first blush, that sounds like exactly who I am.

I've always been a very high achiever.  Always.  If there was an A to be had in school, I went after it, and more times than not, I got it.  I'm a member in good standing of many different honor societies. I've been nominated for and received awards for many things. I'm  proud to be known as someone who won't quit until the job is done and done well.  It's truly part of my nature.  I just...achieve.

But what I've discovered over the past several months is that there may be a reason that I achieve besides the results of that little questionnaire.  I do achieve...that much is accurate...but I think the REASON I achieve is rather complex and not completely lovely.

Learning to Dance....

Hey!  Long time no chat, right?!  Well...it's been a month!  Literally AND figuratively.  This one just about did me in, but spring break began not a moment too soon yesterday afternoon.  After a great time last night with my friends working a concert (which I dearly LOVE to do!) and a restful morning, I'm feeling more like talking today.

I try not to whine about it, but I've shared before that Mother Nature is doing a number on me as I enter this perimenopausal season of life.  For the past month, she's been on a vendetta, I believe. It feels like she's trying to take me down with every hormonal nightmare she has at her disposal.  I had every hope that my own experience with this time would go quickly and easily as my mother's did, but genetics has betrayed me and it honestly feels like I walk through a very personal hell many days. Again, literally and figuratively!  These hot flashes are nothing to play with, people!  And the emotional mood swings could rival those of early adolescence any day.  In fact, we just finished teaching the health unit on puberty at school this week, and I can assure you that my 5th graders have NOTHING on me!  This is not for faint of heart!

Why I Do What I Do...

Those of you who know me understand that teaching isn't just a career for me. I don't do it because I'm just "good with kids"...although, I really am.  I definitely don't do it because you get summers off...because teachers truly don't, which is a discussion that merits its own separate blog post!  If you really want to know why I teach, here it is.

Valentine's Day is still a big deal in elementary schools.  Even the "too-cool-for-school" fifth graders I teach still look forward to making their mailboxes and exchanging greetings of friendship and love on this holiday. In fact, some of the 10 and 11 year old kiddos go all out for Valentine's Day.  This year, because I happen to have wildly talented and creative little people in my care, about half my class made their own handmade Valentine cards.  (I particularly enjoyed the Star Wars themed ones that said, "This is not the Valentine you are looking for.")

This year, the week of our Valentine's celebration started out on a sad note, though.  One of our class members had a sudden death in the family and had to travel to attend his grandmother's funeral.  He wouldn't be at school for Valentine's Day.  We have a community sharing time every day at our school called Pride Time that keeps us relating well to each other as a class in hugely wonderful ways.  When I let the class know what was happening at Pride Time, the response overwhelmed me.  I expected them to be very concerned for their classmate because this is a particularly closely bonded group of students.  What I didn't anticipate was the depths to which that care and concern would impact us all.

This Was A Bigger Deal Than I Knew...

Yesterday, I drew the line in the sand and made the decision that today was Day One...a new beginning to reclaiming my fitness...the point at which I would head back to the gym and begin my do-over of the past fifteen months.  And I did.  And it was hard.  Really hard.  But it was also a much bigger deal than I anticipated it would be.

Physically, I wasn't nearly as bad off as I was the first time I stepped in a gym four years ago, despite the fact that I now have one new titanium knee and one old bone-on-bone arthritic knee that's getting its own titanium upgrade in four more months.  That was a big surprise for me.  In all fairness, I am nowhere near as fit as I was when the knee problems forced me out of the gym back at the end of 2013. But I'm also not nearly as out of shape as I was my first day in a gym in 2011. Those two and a half years of workouts had some residual effects on my body. They also left an imprint on my brain.

I wanted to get on an elliptical today at the gym to be very friendly to my knees while I did my cardio workout, but they were filled.  So I went to the exercise bikes and was able to raise my heart rate enough to hit my own cardio range while I pedaled for half an hour. My knees did surprisingly well, especially the new one.  The old one balked and squealed at me, but I ignored its whining and went right on pedaling.  Sometimes, you just have to suck it up and do what you have to do, and today was one of those times.

When the Direction Isn't Forward...

Hello, friends.  If you followed my first blog, you will surely remember that much of it was about my experiences in finding myself while I dropped 100 pounds.  So, perhaps you'll understand that this blog post is one I never wanted to write.

At my annual checkup yesterday, I had to face an ugly truth that I've been watching reveal itself in my mirror over the past year or so with no workouts.  I've regained 45 of those pounds.  

What do you do when the direction you're moving isn't forward?  Part of me wants to hide under my covers and pretend that the past few years haven't happened...to go back to that day in January of 2012 where I hit my biggest goal and felt success like I'd never known and re-do life from that point forward. I want to rewrite those intervening years so that there would be no debilitating knee pain and subsequent knee replacement and no family fraying at the edges. There would be easy-going and forward-moving gains in my overall health, my weight would still be dropping, and all would be right with the world.

But then there's this part of me that is firmly grounded in reality.  And in all honesty, that's the girl who needs to respond to this. She's the one I found on that Journey to Me ..and she's the only one who is going to turn this around and get me moving in the right direction again.  

All's Well That Ends Well...

***SPOILER ALERT***  If you have NOT watched the series finale of Parenthood and still want to...you may want to watch it first and read this blog post later...because I'm gonna talk about it!!!

If you're still here...welcome!  I had the most incredible time last night gathering with about 15 other women and watching the last Parenthood episode ever.  I can't remember ever gathering with people like this to watch a television program any other time in my life, except perhaps a sporting event. Thank you so much to Joanne and Bridget for thinking of it and hosting us all!

It was so refreshing to see other women just as touched as I was by this program and to have the opportunity to share our knowledge of it (Yes, I won a prize!) and support each other through our tears (Yes, there were many!)  I was sorry when the show ended, but also sorry the evening itself ended. There is power in the sharing, I think...we collectively grieved our loss and were able to move forward.  I love that about us as females...we do this emotional honesty thing really well most times!

Joel and Julia...Another Perspective

Hello...it's been a while!  In the past 10 days, I've been dealing with bronchitis, laryngitis, and a slight sinus infection.  Add to it a rough bout with Mother Nature this past week and her perimenopausal madness, and I've really had a time of it lately.  I've been coughing, moaning, and generally wishing I had a new body for so long that I don't remember what it's like to feel healthy anymore! But I didn't come here to whine (much!).  I've actually used the "down" time to do some thinking about the meatier issues I'm in the midst of in my journey and I wanted to stay accountable for my moving forward and share them.

A television program that I have loved for many years is ending its run next week.  "Parenthood" on NBC was a quick hit with me because of how it dealt with a couple parenting a child who is on the autism spectrum, something I deal with as a teacher on a daily basis, but have never had the experience of living with 24/7.  (Why that actor has never won an Emmy for his spot-on portrayal of Max Braverman is beyond me...he's SPECTACULAR!  But I digress...)

Another reason I love the show is that over the years, Parenthood has tackled some of the meatier issues in marriage through the lens of the relationships between its main characters.  Camille and Zeek growing apart over time due to lack of shared interests and poor communication was particularly poignant.  Adam and Kristina dealing with serious illness...wow!  Most of the time, I feel they are realistic, rather than always looking for the fairy tale ending.  Sarah and Crosby and their relationships and (now) marriages are just a hot mess...but isn't that how life really is?!?

One of the marriages and its particular set of crises hit close to home for me, though.  Joel and Julia. I know this program is fiction...and I do remind myself of this often so I can keep perspective...but these two have run the gamut of emotional upheaval over the past few seasons, and I can very much identify with that!  It's been a bit cathartic for me to see them work this out, actually.  But it may surprise you to hear that I'm not a real fan of how this story line is ending (the two of them are getting back together after nearly divorcing).  Let me explain by sharing some of my own journey in life and marriage.

This Teacher Got Schooled Today...

God surely has a sense of humor.  He must, because that's the only reason I can think of why He'd allow a woman who thinks she still has something to say to completely lose her voice for a few days! LOL!  Yup...I have complete laryngitis!  I may have something to say...but I have no way to actually SAY it!  Go figure!

But today, I discovered something thought-provoking and challenging in my move forward this year that I may have easily overlooked had I been in full voice.

Yesterday, I took off work because teachers with no voices to actually teach with are not in high demand these days, and I figured a sick day for me and a substitute teacher for them was a better bet for my kiddos.  But today, I braved it with the little squeak of a voice that I could muster because I know that my kiddos are heading into a big research project with a ton of new and useful skills to learn for their long-term success as students, and I actually am the best one to lead that right now - even with a small voice - not a substitute.  The thing I forgot is that teaching without a voice is HARD!

Call It What It Is...And Then Deal With It!

This won't be surprising to those of you who've known me for a while, but there's something I want. I want it badly. And I've been working toward it for a long time, without yet having the breakthrough and success I'm looking for.

I want to be a published author.

And today, I've decided what's holding me back, keeping me writing but saving to the massive quantity of finished pieces of work on my hard drive, rather than submitting them to be published.

I'm scared.

Terrified, really.

Why?  I don't want to be rejected.  These things I write are pieces of my heart...and I don't know if I can take the "Thank you for your submission, but your work is not something our company has an interest in publishing at this time..." letter.

I feel like my move forward today was calling it what it is.  I can't deal with it unless I admit it, right? But how DO I deal with it?

It's actually a much bigger problem for me in my life than I've ever been willing to see before now. There are many other times and decisions in my life where I've also been scared to risk it, but somehow, I've found the courage and put it on the line and went for it. I am always genuinely surprised by situations that work out the way I hoped they would!

I'm naturally a pretty upbeat, positive person when it comes to life - but not so much about myself. When it comes to evaluating myself, I tend to be my own worst critic.  No, I'll never get selected.  My work isn't good enough.  Who would read my novel?  I feed myself these statements ALL THE TIME!

But today, I'm asking myself why?  Why do I always assume that I'm not good enough?  And really - does it matter what I think or not?  If I'm going to be a published author, at some point, it's going to be someone else's judgment of my skill as a writer that matters...not my own, right?

I think overall I need to have a healthier, more balanced view of myself.  I tend to assume in any situation that I'm not enough.  Not smart enough.  Not pretty enough.  Not fit enough.  Not thin enough.  Not strong enough.  Not determined enough.  Just not enough!  

Why is that?  Low self-esteem?  Yes - a life long struggle of mine that I still battle, even though I've made many gains in this area the past few years.  But the more I chew on this in preparation for actually submitting a piece of my writing to a publisher, the more I see it's not just a low self-esteem. It's the fear of failure.

Music Reaches Me...

I've loved music for as long as I can remember.  My first radio was a little AM/FM receiver tucked inside a stuffed cocker spaniel dog.  I'd turn on the radio at night and snuggle up and listen to song after song laying in my bed, memorizing lyrics and falling asleep to 70's rock tunes from my favorite radio station.  I'm not sure how many 9-volt batteries I wore out with that little puppy...

My first concert was an amazing experience - for many reasons! It was here I first discovered that hearing music live is possibly one of the most incredible things you can do in life.  I don't care how good recording technology gets, hearing Journey and their (former) lead singer, Steve Perry, sing "Open Arms" live will trump it every time!  (I'm certain he was singing straight to me...it was my 16th birthday, after all!) 

Whatever I'm facing in life, there's a song that can tell my story.  There's not really a genre that I can say I don't listen to from time to time, but contemporary Christian music is probably what feeds my soul more than just about any other right now on my journey. And I came across this song the other day when my iTunes were on shuffle.

"Can anybody hear me?  

The silence is deafening.  

Why do You feel so far away 

When I know You're here with me

But I just need the faith to see

Nothing can separate me from Your love..."

Have the Conversations that Need to Be Had...

Today, I had the absolute joy and privilege of being taken to breakfast by a dear, dear friend.  We've only known each other well for a few years, but "Sis" is how we refer to each other, and it's very accurate because we truly are family - the kind that you choose for yourself, not the kind you're born into.

As we sat by a warm fire and enjoyed each other's company, catching each other up on the little things, the conversation eventually took a God-ordained turn and veered into deeper, bigger things. How are you really?  What's God doing in your life?  Those kinds of things...the very things this blog is about, actually.