Call It What It Is...And Then Deal With It!

This won't be surprising to those of you who've known me for a while, but there's something I want. I want it badly. And I've been working toward it for a long time, without yet having the breakthrough and success I'm looking for.

I want to be a published author.

And today, I've decided what's holding me back, keeping me writing but saving to the massive quantity of finished pieces of work on my hard drive, rather than submitting them to be published.

I'm scared.

Terrified, really.

Why?  I don't want to be rejected.  These things I write are pieces of my heart...and I don't know if I can take the "Thank you for your submission, but your work is not something our company has an interest in publishing at this time..." letter.

I feel like my move forward today was calling it what it is.  I can't deal with it unless I admit it, right? But how DO I deal with it?

It's actually a much bigger problem for me in my life than I've ever been willing to see before now. There are many other times and decisions in my life where I've also been scared to risk it, but somehow, I've found the courage and put it on the line and went for it. I am always genuinely surprised by situations that work out the way I hoped they would!

I'm naturally a pretty upbeat, positive person when it comes to life - but not so much about myself. When it comes to evaluating myself, I tend to be my own worst critic.  No, I'll never get selected.  My work isn't good enough.  Who would read my novel?  I feed myself these statements ALL THE TIME!

But today, I'm asking myself why?  Why do I always assume that I'm not good enough?  And really - does it matter what I think or not?  If I'm going to be a published author, at some point, it's going to be someone else's judgment of my skill as a writer that matters...not my own, right?

I think overall I need to have a healthier, more balanced view of myself.  I tend to assume in any situation that I'm not enough.  Not smart enough.  Not pretty enough.  Not fit enough.  Not thin enough.  Not strong enough.  Not determined enough.  Just not enough!  

Why is that?  Low self-esteem?  Yes - a life long struggle of mine that I still battle, even though I've made many gains in this area the past few years.  But the more I chew on this in preparation for actually submitting a piece of my writing to a publisher, the more I see it's not just a low self-esteem. It's the fear of failure.

One of the things that I have hung my hat on my whole life is that I very seldom fail.  I'm smart...but I only play the games I think I have a shot at winning.  I'm a good teacher...but I don't teach subjects or grade levels that I think I don't do well (like Kindergarten...dear God...NO!).  I play it safe, almost always.

I just don't want to anymore.  I want to be the girl who takes the chance, win or lose.  I want to be shamelessly BOLD...there's that word again...AUDACIOUS!  I'm starting to become her in some areas of my life...and I'm liking the outcome.  But am I really ready to risk a huge dream?  I don't know.  I just don't know.  And that is how I've come to the place where you find me right now. Circling.  Roaming around in my mind, instead of moving forward.

Forward can't be my word this year if I'm going to choose to sit still and paralyze myself with fear. And the only way I'm moving this year is definitely forward!  So, it's time to get this fear behind me and march on.  I'll just make it up as I go, I guess.  Because I am most DEFINITELY GOING!

Moving forward...

Angie

:-)