Hey! Long time no chat, right?! Well...it's been a month! Literally AND figuratively. This one just about did me in, but spring break began not a moment too soon yesterday afternoon. After a great time last night with my friends working a concert (which I dearly LOVE to do!) and a restful morning, I'm feeling more like talking today.
I try not to whine about it, but I've shared before that Mother Nature is doing a number on me as I enter this perimenopausal season of life. For the past month, she's been on a vendetta, I believe. It feels like she's trying to take me down with every hormonal nightmare she has at her disposal. I had every hope that my own experience with this time would go quickly and easily as my mother's did, but genetics has betrayed me and it honestly feels like I walk through a very personal hell many days. Again, literally and figuratively! These hot flashes are nothing to play with, people! And the emotional mood swings could rival those of early adolescence any day. In fact, we just finished teaching the health unit on puberty at school this week, and I can assure you that my 5th graders have NOTHING on me! This is not for faint of heart!
One of the more difficult impacts of this physical change in my body is the emotional conflicts I have to work hard to avoid. Oh, my friends and family aren't intentionally initiating conflict...far from it! I have the most incredibly supportive and amazing people surrounding me in life...it's a great blessing to do life with these people! But I know that these people are not experiencing our relationship, our interactions, our conversations quite the way that I do in my hormone-induced fog. And so I have a monologue constantly running internally to remind myself that I'm not processing life right now in the manner I normally would, and my friend didn't really mean what I thought she just said. The phrase, "It's not you, it's me," has never been more true for me, but occasionally, as you can imagine, I forget that. At those moments, it truly does feel like the world and everyone in it hates me...that I'm no good at anything...and that life will never be what I want it to be.
Why am I sharing all this? Well, that's a legitimate question with a somewhat complex answer. First, I'm documenting for myself the journey I'm taking forward into this next season of my life in this blog, and whether I would have chosen it or not, this physical journey forward is part of that reality. It's not a part that I've particularly embraced, but it's happening...it's real...and it is having a much greater impact on my life than I truly anticipated it might when I was reading up on it and preparing myself for it. (You never can, by the way...just so you know!)
Also, I'm putting this out there because I want my people- those closest to me in life - to know that if I'm a bit "off my game" lately, it truly is ME..my issue...not anything they've done or not done, said or not said. It's all me! I can only imagine how difficult it is to live with me some days, and I appreciate the love, the support, the patience and grace they are affording me. I want to say that to them publicly and to remind them...and myself...that I WILL get past this one day. Moving forward requires that, doesn't it?
Finally, though, a wise friend reminded me that the picture I paint of myself in public forums like in social media, on my blog, or when I'm at work, needn't always be that of a woman who is happily skipping her way through life, unaffected by the things that many people around me are also facing. Being real and transparent are ways to let the world know that yes, unexpected things DO happen in life, and I don't always respond well to them...just like they don't. My story becomes more accessible to people and hopefully more impacting in positive, helpful ways when I don't only share the successes, but also the struggles. I've always tried to live that way - to let God's story unfolding in my life be a message for anyone who needs to see or hear it. But for this past month, I've somewhat abandoned that. I'm really happy that my friend reminded me of who I am and what I value.
I value transparency deeply because of what it allows others to learn from the experiences God has given me. If I'm willing to risk being open and out there with not only my successes, but also my less than successful moments, it gives God a chance to put His tremendous grace on display through His work in my FAR less than perfectly lived life! It lets people see things in me that they recognize in themselves, too, and perhaps not feel so alone. It gives people the opportunity to see God at work in me and be reminded that He is indeed at work in their lives, too.
Never doubt that, my friends. Every season of life has its own rhythm, composed by the Master. We can choose to cower from the beat...or we can learn to dance to it. I'm just learning the dance right now...
Moving Forward...
Angie
:-)
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