I've come to realize something about myself recently that I'm not entirely certain how to prcoess. If you've ever done a Strengths Finder (http://www.strengthsfinder.com/home.aspx) assessment for yourself, you'll discover some nouns that name 5 of your strongest strengths. I highly recommend taking one if you haven't. Well, my strongest strength was being an achiever, and at first blush, that sounds like exactly who I am.
I've always been a very high achiever. Always. If there was an A to be had in school, I went after it, and more times than not, I got it. I'm a member in good standing of many different honor societies. I've been nominated for and received awards for many things. I'm proud to be known as someone who won't quit until the job is done and done well. It's truly part of my nature. I just...achieve.
But what I've discovered over the past several months is that there may be a reason that I achieve besides the results of that little questionnaire. I do achieve...that much is accurate...but I think the REASON I achieve is rather complex and not completely lovely.
One of the big reasons I achieve is that I derive a tremendous sense of self-esteem from doing so. I enjoy being the "smart" one in a crowd. I love being known for my intelligence and skill at doing my job. Rather than being happy with myself for who I AM...I've become a little dependent on being recognized for what I DO. That's definitely something I have to look into more deeply on the journey forward...and likely something that needs to change about my approach to life. It's wonderful to achieve, but if too much of my positive view of myself comes from what I achieve, what will happen when I can't achieve any longer? When I'm not the smartest person or most gifted teacher in the room any more? Can you see my dilemma here?
Another reason I achieve is one that I'm reluctant to admit...but confession is good for the soul, right?! I achieve in part because I very carefully choose the things that I am willing to do. I play the games I can win...and avoid the ones that I think I may not be able to do well. I achieve because I set myself up to do so by refusing to challenge myself to new things where I may or may not achieve. I'd rather achieve than not...so I stick to the safe bets.
Many people probably do this to a certain extent. After all, I don't know anyone who routinely puts their lack of skill on display for the world to see. We tend to keep our "failures" close to our vests and hide them from the world. It's the successes that the world...and we...prize and put out there for public consumption.
But what if our failures are really NOT a lack of achievement? What if the achievement is truly that we challenged ourselves to move out of our comfort zones and do new things...things that matter...and things that we may not immediately be fantastic at doing?
So, I have some work to do to keep moving forward in this area. And here's my plan (because you just KNEW an achiever would have one, didn't you??!?!)
First, I'm going to get my head worked out so that I completely believe and live in the truth that I am MORE than the choices I make, the things I do. I am a child of God who is loved because He created her for His pleasure. I need no other sense of my own worth than to know that Christ was willing to exchange His life for mine. That is enough. And it's time to live that way and derive my sense of self-esteem from that eternal truth. It is the only thing that will always be true. My achievements and accomplishments will come and go. God's love, grace, and mercy are the constant in my life, and the only thing that I can and should boast of.
And then, I need to challenge myself more to step out of my comfort zone and do the things that I'm not sure I can do. If I'm truly going to base my self-esteem on eternal truths, then I need to also be willing to do things where I can't stack the deck for myself to come out on top and achieve. Why? Because there are things worth doing that I've never allowed myself to experience. I'm limiting what God can and will use me for if I don't open myself up to fail every now and then. Also, because failing is valuable in and of itself. It's part of the learning cycle. If I can't let myself fail, then I'm limiting what I can learn. Who needs those kinds of limits? Not me!
There's my forward move for the week...I'm going to be a reformed achiever! No, not right away...this will take some practice and boldness. But now that I've figured it out, you know I've got to move on it. A forward-moving girl like me can do no less!
Moving forward...
Angie
:-)
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